When a client discloses how unhappy they are with their partner, I always ask the same question: So what is keeping you with them?

And almost every time, I get the same answer: “because I love them.”

It’s not always about who that person is, per se, but more about your feelings toward them.

True love and connection feel safe, uplifting, and grounding. When love starts to feel heavy, unpredictable, or exhausting, it’s time to pay attention.

Let’s break down the signs you might be in a toxic relationship and what you can do about it.

1. If you constantly find yourself saying, “When it’s good, it’s good, but when it’s bad, it’s bad.”

Toxic relationships are rarely consistent. They swing like a pendulum: moments of intense love and connection are followed by periods of confusion, arguments, or emotional coldness. If you find yourself clinging to the highs and bracing for the lows, it’s a red flag. Love shouldn’t feel like a roller coaster. It should have stability at its core.

2. If you constantly feel like you are walking on eggshells and never know what you are going to get.

Do you constantly adjust your words, actions, or behavior to avoid conflict? Feeling like you’re tiptoeing around your partner is exhausting. A healthy relationship allows you to express yourself freely without fear of disproportionate reactions.

3. You love them, but you don’t like how they make you feel.

Unhealthy attachment-based love can be intoxicating and blinding. If you consistently feel anxious, sad, or diminished because of someone, even when you love them, you’re sacrificing your emotional well-being. Love should enhance your life, not drain it.

4. You feel more drained than expanded in the relationship.

Healthy relationships involve mutual giving. Toxic partnerships extract energy more than they give it. Constantly giving without receiving chips away at your self-worth and joy.

5. It’s a roller coaster with ups and downs all the time.

Extreme highs and lows are exhausting. Emotional volatility can mask insecurity, control issues, or lack of accountability. Over time, this roller coaster erodes your sense of stability and peace.

6. There’s gaslighting and you question your reality.

Do you find yourself doubting your own perception of events? Do they twist conversations, blame you unfairly, or make you feel “too sensitive”? Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional manipulation. If this is happening, it’s a major warning sign.

7. You don’t feel like yourself anymore.

In healthy relationships, you grow but never lose yourself. If you’re quieter, more anxious, or less confident, your core self may be overshadowed by the constant need to adapt, survive, or appease. The best relationships are the ones where we can show up exactly as we are.

8. You never know which version of them you’ll get.

Consistency is key in healthy love. If your partner shifts between warm and distant, loving and critical, or attentive and absent without explanation, it creates instability. Living in uncertainty keeps you on edge and prevents true intimacy.

Toxic dynamics are usually formed because of imbalance. Constantly giving without receiving or being nurtured in return is unsustainable.

So you are in a toxic dynamic ? Here’s what you can do about it.

If you recognize you are in a toxic dynamic, this is a sign to start loving and focusing on yourself.

Here are some steps to take:

1. Set boundaries.

Decide what behavior you will no longer tolerate and communicate it clearly. This could look like: I’m not okay being the one who always organizes or adjusts when plans fall through. I’m happy to plan things together, but I need consistency too. Boundaries are an act of self-respect, not punishment.

2. Reflect on your needs.

Ask yourself what you truly need from a partner and whether this relationship fulfills those needs. Think of it like this: something I really need in a relationship is consistency and reliability. I want to feel like if we make plans, they matter and that I can trust my partner to follow through. Whether your partner can meet those needs or not is information.

3. Seek support.

Talk to trusted friends, a therapist, or a coach who can help you see patterns clearly. A lot of times toxic relationship patterns are co-created. Recognizing your pattern can help you break your role in the dynamic.

4. Evaluate reciprocity.

Are your efforts being met with care, respect, and effort? If not, recognize the imbalance. Reflect on whether your effort within the relationship is being matched and whether you are receiving that same level back.

5. Consider your next steps and explore your options.

Ask questions like: Will me showing up differently spark my partner to change? If my partner doesn’t change, what do I want to do next?

At the end of the day, love alone is not what sustains a healthy relationship. You can love someone deeply and still recognize that the dynamic you share isn’t aligned with what you truly need.

The goal isn’t to force change, fix your partner, or prove your worth through how much you tolerate. The goal is to come back to yourself, to your standards, your needs, and your emotional well-being.

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