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We all want the secrets to a great sex life.

Whether we are married, in a relationship, or just dating, we are on a quest to maintain our sexual desire.

When we think of a great sex life, we often think of the common, conventional tips, which focus on prioritizing foreplay, scheduling sex, eating a healthy diet, and personal grooming.

But, sometimes, no matter how hard we try to prioritize intimacy and schedule it, it just stops feeling good. Slowly but surely, sexual connection fades, making us think that our sex life is in serious trouble.

We might even idealize other people’s sex lives because we think that we have failed. The unvarnished truth is that we might be okay. We haven’t failed; we have just implemented wrong or bad advice.

Now, I’m not saying that all the sexual tips out there don’t work. They do, but they’re not at the top of the list. The reason for good sex is not what you think. It’s neither sexy lingerie nor kegel exercises. It’s something deeper, better, and we often shrug it off.

To foster genuine physical intimacy, we need to foster emotional intimacy first.

We’re inclined to dismiss what happens in our relationship during the day, without realizing that it’s immensely related to what happens during night.

One-night stands and superficial sexual relationships don’t always require emotional connection since they are designed for immediate physical gratification. We often bring a one-night stand mindset into our loving relationship, expecting the same level of desire and satisfaction. But that’s not how it works.

Marriages and committed relationships go beyond superficiality. They are rooted in vulnerability, intentionality, and connection. Unfortunately, we rarely discover that a good sexual relationship can only be built through genuine emotional connection.

We can’t have fights without reconciliation or spend days without direct interaction and expect to have the best sex of our lives. A healthy relationship and good sex are highly interconnected, as one can’t exist without the other.

To improve physical intimacy, we need to pay more attention to the emotional patterns in our relationship. Notice the disconnections:

>> Are you being defensive or empathetic?

>> Are you listening to each other or dismissing each other’s needs?

>> Are you taking each other’s needs seriously?

>> Are you repairing the ruptures in your relationship or letting them fester?

>> Are you frequently criticizing, judging, controlling, or blaming each other?

>> Are you practicing forgiveness?

>> Are you choosing your battles wisely?

>> Are you talking it out or letting tension build?

>> Are you spending quality time together?

Some couples may be able to have good sex without the need of emotional connection. Like John and Jane in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” toxicity and danger might arouse them even more.

But, either way, emotional closeness always benefits our sexual life. When couples are emotionally connected, they feel safer, which ultimately leads to better sex.

So, if you want to spice up your sex life, practice deep communication and vulnerability. Build daily rituals that focus on reconnection and empathy. When you successfully overcome emotional conflicts and obstacles, your sexual desire and satisfaction will automatically follow.

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