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I recently wrote an article about the manosphere off the back of the Louis Theroux documentary, and when it was posted to Facebook, the commentary as expected was wild.

Some 2,500 comments when I last looked, with most of the commenters commenting on an article it was clear they hadn’t actually read. Nor did many seem to realise the article was actually about the recent documentary undertaken by a man.

Comments were angry. Defensive. And borderline abusive. A lot of commentary around misandry and the blaming of feminism for the manosphere. Repeated comments about accountability but no answer when questioned what accountability they were referring to.

The male loneliness epidemic was mentioned, which set the cat amongst the pigeons, with statements dismissing it’s even a thing to suggesting it’s not men but women who are lonely and women who have made up the male loneliness epidemic. I’d like to clear this up straight away, before we get into the nitty gritty. Women have not created a story about a “male loneliness epidemic,” It has actually been many high profile men speaking on this subject with concern. It’s spoken about in psychology. It’s seen in the numerous statistics. And truth bomb: the manosphere wouldn’t exist if men were content and fulfilled in their lives; it thrives on the lonely and disenfranchised.

I write about what’s happening in society. I write about what I’m seeing and hearing. I write about the terrifying statistics that we see every day, that anyone can check should they really care to. I write from the experience of speaking to people in crisis on a regular basis, both men and women. I don’t make things up.

There’s even been discussion and debate about what can be done with this “male loneliness crisis.” What needs to be done to ensure women are not choosing to remain single and/or childless. This isn’t a topic of discussion in women’s circles; it’s coming from men.

It’s easy to label people, but far too often the labels do not fit the situation. I am not a misandrist for writing an article about the manosphere, which is indeed a thing, as evidenced from not only the documentary but the growing number of male podcasters using their platform to denigrate women. I love good men. I know good men. I enjoy spending time with good men. Women cherish good men. But I will not tolerate the poorly behaved ones. That’s not misandry; that’s my personal boundary. I am a feminist because I do believe in equality. I do believe that women are equal to men; we may both have different strengths, but we are equal nonetheless. We both have so much to offer, and good relationships are equal. The truth of the matter is any man who doesn’t believe women should be afforded the same rights as them is a misogynist. It isn’t really complicated. It’s not a secret. It’s simple. Feminism is about equality, and misogyny and the patriarchy are about ensuring women do not have that equality. I really do not see how so many are confused.

I understand there is a group of men who feel valueless. Powerless. Perhaps even useless and worthless. And that is incredibly sad. Heartbreaking. Devastating for them, their families, and society. But here’s the truth that they and those in the manosphere cannot and will not see: the reason they feel like this is because of the patriarchy. It’s not women telling young men they are born with no value; it’s men. It’s not women telling young men to toughen up and not show vulnerability; it’s men. It’s not women telling young men that their only value is money and getting “jacked”—it’s other men. It’s other men telling these vulnerable young men that women are saying these things, which is of course a lie, because the reality is these men are not listening to women; they are listening to other disenfranchised men who sell them a story that feminism has caused this. That any woman who calls it out or won’t tolerate poor behaviour are misandrists. That it’s women’s fault. Sad but true. They are being fed this lie that will keep them forever stuck and miserable.

Here’s another really uncomfortable truth. Whilst there are a group of men feeling dejected, rejected, and isolated, there are women being raped, abused, and murdered by angry men. As Margaret Attwood so eloquently said: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

And here’s the clincher: misandry isn’t raping, beating, and killing men on a daily basis, but misogyny is doing this to women. See, they are not the same thing. Misandrists do have a hatred for men, in the way they want men to completely leave them alone. They don’t trust men, and it usually is a reaction to misogynistic treatment. They would be happy living on an island without men. On the other hand, misogynists have a hatred of women, and that hatred turns to disrespect, resentment, abuse, rape, and murder because the very thing they hate, they simply cannot leave alone. Not too many men would be happy living on an island without women, unless they were gay, and I challenge any straight man who says he would be. And this is why you cannot compare the two.

Contrary to popular belief within the manosphere, most women’s lives do not revolve around men. Most of us dress for ourselves. We workout to feel strong and healthy. We build connections with other women. These men who focus their whole lives on what women are doing, wearing, and believe everything a woman does is for the glare and attention of men need a new hobby. Sad truth is they themselves do everything in their own life for the glare and attention of other men and think women are the same. We are not. Sure, some maybe, but the rest of us don’t constantly need that external validation to feel worthy. Sadly, all I see is projection.

Yes we know there are female killers, abusers, and rapists, but we also know the statistics show this is in the minority. Whilst anyone who abuses, rapes, or kills someone should be called out and punished, we need to be focused on the largest demographic committing these crimes, and that is without question men. And those men are far too often not held accountable. They are not punished. Look at the world around us. Look at those in power and explain to me how it’s women causing the issues? Rapists and pedophiles walk free everyday. That is not feminism. That is not misandry. That is a society steeped in the patriarchy and misogyny. If it was feminists and misandrists to blame, we would be sitting in a blood bath of dead men at the hands of women, and that is not the case. So let’s start laying blame where blame belongs.

What about men’s suicide rates, I hear you scream. Yes, men’s suicide rates are alarmingly high, and that’s a shockingly sad indictment of the society we live in. Let’s be clear: it’s not family law courts and women, and whilst sometimes there are some awful women and unfair court rulings, men are choosing to end their lives. They are doing this because the patriarchy has taught them that it’s weak for men to show emotion. It’s weak for men to seek support and therapy. So we end up with dead men by their own hands and dead women by the hands of emotionally disregulated men. Flip the situation to the amount of women abused, raped, and left to raise kids alone, financially stressed, with little support, yet they are not ending their lives at the same rate. Have a think about that.

A couple of uncomfortable truths really need to come to the forefront when discussing such big topics. The men in the manosphere, with all their bravado, anger, and bitterness are pandering to other men. Trying to impress other men. The outlandish display of wealth, which we do not even know is real, is to show off to other men. The getting “jacked” is to appeal to other men. It’s a p*ssing competition of insecure, emotionally stunted men. Most women don’t care about this rubbish, and the one’s who do have their own issues to deal with. These men despise the women they attract yet all they offer is money, a jacked body, and a crappy attitude. Then get disgruntled when they cannot get a “traditional” woman. Make it make sense.

Newsflash: good women don’t settle for mediocrity. That’s not feminism. It’s not misandry. It’s simply the truth.

What’s mediocrity? Well, for many women, it’s men who believe they are superior. Men who think their only role is to have money. Men who think their muscles impress us. It’s not enough. Financial stability and keeping fit and in shape is important for both men and women.

Nobody’s value is dependent on these things alone, but the patriarchy continues to tell you it is.

If you don’t believe a woman should have autonomy over her own body, you’re a misogynist. If you don’t believe a woman should be allowed to vote, you’re a misogynist. If you don’t think a woman’s pleasure in the bedroom is as important as yours, you’re a misogynist. If you don’t believe the domestic duties in the home and parenting should be shared, you’re a misogynist. If you still think it’s acceptable to make inappropriate comments to women, touch them, wolf whistle at them, you’re a misogynist. If you believe women owe you something, you’re a misogynist. If the thought crosses your mind of what a woman did to deserve being raped, abused, or murdered, you’re a misogynist.

Feminism doesn’t want to strip men of any of their rights. Feminism wants to stop the oppression of women. Misandry doesn’t want to rape and murder men; it wants nothing to do with men. See the difference?

One calls for systemic oppression, control, abuse, and violence. The other wants equality and to be left alone.

As a society, we need to find a way to move through this. We need for people to reflect and stop blaming. We don’t need the darkness of the manosphere, which is destructive in so many ways. We need good men leading change. Not women. Women cannot fix this. Women have fought long enough for our own rights. We have fought back against centuries of oppression, and whilst there’s still plenty of men who want to put us back there, it won’t happen because enough of us stand together. It’s time for men to start fixing their mess. Men have had so many privileges for so long, and that’s why feminism threatens them. Imagine being threatened by equality.

I see much said and written about “modern women” being problematic. Modern women are a symptom of patriarchy. They no longer want to be controlled or treated like property. They want autonomy over their own bodies, like men have always had. They would rather stay single than get into sh*tty relationships. So often, women are told to “choose better” when they are abused, raped, and even after they are murdered. Never calling the men out that abuse, rape, and murder them, because we love to victim blame. And then when women do choose better, or choose the bear, which in growing cases is remaining single, that’s an issue also. Women are tired of trying to fix every issue and mend everything that’s broken. We’ve been doing it for centuries, and we’re done.

And yes, I know there are men who want to stay single also and good on them. Everyone is allowed to make the best choices for themselves. We shouldn’t have an issue with men or women choosing the lifestyle that suits them best. We don’t have a womansphere angry at men being single and calling them shrivelled old cat men. We don’t have groups of women telling men they are past their used by date at 25. We don’t have women podcasters spitting taunts at men being “run through.” We do have women calling these men out; in fact, we also have several men calling them out because it’s disgraceful and honestly pathetic.

So whilst the feminists are trying to create equal spaces and the misandrists just want men to leave them alone, the misogynists are a loud angry group doing anything and everything to shame women, hurt women, and ultimately destroy women, whilst simultaneously sucking young, angry, disconnected men into the web, taking their money, and dragging them down further, because they are miserable and insecure but they also cannot leave women alone. Must be hard hating the very thing you so desperately desire.

I don’t know what it’s going to take to change things. But it does need to start with more men calling out the poorly behaved ones because they don’t listen to women. It starts with boys being taught that the world does not revolve around them. It starts with modelling respectful behaviour to girls and women. It starts with teaching boys that girls are equal to them. It starts with boys being allowed to be vulnerable and show their feelings. It starts with accountability for poor behaviour and punishment for those who bully, rape, abuse, and murder.

It starts with seeing women as equal human beings. But it needs to start.

~

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