View this post on Instagram

 

I’ve never gotten into the whole generational debates.

I believe all generations have their gifts and their faults, but as we pass through time, we learn more and have the opportunity to grow.

We get the chance to change things, to make society a better place for all. We get to digest the mistakes of the past, acknowledge and accept we can do better and be better.

I’m a GenX warrior, born in 1968 and the 80s were some amazing and defining years. Some would say I’m old. Numerically, I’m getting up there. But I don’t see myself that way. Some would think I have nothing to offer. But I believe I have more to offer now than I ever did before. And one of the most important gifts I offer is wisdom. Not because of my age, but because of the journey I’ve taken. The inner work I’ve done. The self-reflection. Introspection. The f*ck ups I’ve made and owned. And the lessons I’ve learnt.

I grew up in a different time. Almost a different world. And there are some real learnings and wisdom that comes from that. And as I sit here reflecting, I can look upon my mistakes with grace. I can forgive the shortcomings of myself and others. And I can share my experiences, my lessons, because I’ve earned the stripes to do so.

12 Lessons from a GenXer:

1. Love is not how someone makes you feel.

Too many people cling to someone because of some familiar feeling, or validation, which is often unhealthy. It’s not about need. It’s not about co-dependency. It’s about emotional safety. It’s about making a conscious choice to navigate life together as two independent people, pursuing your own dreams and your together dreams. It’s about them bringing out the best version of you and them—because together you make each other shine.

2. Your perception of life is yours.

We all view life and situations differently because we view from our own lens of beliefs and experiences. It makes the world a diverse and interesting place. We don’t have to agree, but we do need to respect that someone is allowed a differing opinion. Too many people feel they have a right to tell others how to live. What to think. Their mind so closed; they are unable to recognise a different way. Wisdom teaches you that is simply fear. Scared people fear those who take a different path. Scared people judge.

3. We form relationships with partners that emotionally resemble a parent.

This happens due to familiarity and attachment theory, even if unhealthy. Especially when we haven’t done the work to break dysfunctional patterns. The number of times I have sat across from a client in my therapy practice and they say, “I chose someone completely different from my father /mother and previous partners, only to find they were the same people dressed differently.” Cycles repeat. Patterns repeat. And some people stay in this space their whole life, attracting people to fill that familiar yet oftentimes unhealthy void. Chaos isn’t connection.

4. Insecurity will so often masquerade as ego.

When you feel the need to put another down. The need to judge. The need to claw your way up the ladder, no matter the cost. The need for external validation. When you’re throwing stones from your little glass house, because it makes you feel better about life, it’s time to check yourself. When your insecurity manifests in ego, it’s ugly and it creates ugliness in the world.

5. Fear is a natural part of life.

We all fear things, but when fear holds you back from leaving your comfort zone, it’s unhealthy. Fear keeps more people trapped in spaces they no longer fit than any reason we tell ourselves. We will try and convince ourselves of all sorts of reasons to stay in the job. To stay in the relationship. To not pursue that dream. We fear the unknown, when the truth is, we should fear being stuck somewhere we no longer fit, because we don’t grow in comfort zones.

6. Attraction is more than skin deep.

The physical appearance of someone is often the first thing that draws us in and if we allow it to stop there, it’s shallow and a reflection of who we are as people. The way someone lights up a room is attractive. The way someone makes you feel seen and heard can be attractive. The warmth and ability to connect is attractive. The energy someone emits can be captivating. Interesting conversation and a beautiful mind is attractive. No matter the body shape or age, some people are just enchanting and that’s so very attractive.

7. Fake is the new black.

Social media is filled with it—everyone showing us their highlight reel. So many wearing their mask to fit in. Too scared to be real in case their real is rejected. Pretending to be happy when they are not. Pretending to be wealthier than they are. Pretending they like things when they don’t. Pretending not to like things when they do. Pretending to be confident when they are terrified. You’ll never be happy pretending to be someone you’re not. Authenticity is the key to being true to yourself.

8. Your grief will never stop.

You’ll move through it and process it, but it never fully goes away. It will get smaller as you grow around it. It becomes part of who you are. It fundamentally changes you, but it also reminds you how much you care. How much love you feel. Grief comes with a change of identity as you grow into a different version of who you are after the loss.

 9.Your inner child needs to be held.

We all have something from childhood that has negatively impacted us, no matter the upbringing we’ve had. We’ve all formed a belief that needs to be released as it no longer benefits us. These things all reside in a little box inside of us, some conscious and some unconscious. And they leak into every core of our being. Triggering us in certain situations. Impacting relationships. Provoking certain less-than-admirable behaviours. When we have a safe space to nurture our inner child, real healing and growth comes.

10. Pain is something most of us try and avoid, especially emotional pain.

We avoid it because it’s uncomfortable and we often don’t know how to deal with it. We see pain so negatively because of the dark space it can take us to. But what I’ve learnt from pain is that it can be the catalyst for change. It can catapult you into growth and transformation but only if you’re prepared to do the inner work. Only if you’re prepared to not only see your shadows but dance with them. Pain can be our greatest teacher if we allow ourselves to feel it and learn from it.

11. Sex means nothing without connection.

Sure, there’s a physical release, which undoubtedly feels good. But without connection, you may as well sort that physical need out yourself. The best sex comes with deep intimacy. Emotional. Spiritual. Energetic. It comes with emotional safety and a level of vulnerability that is raw and true. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can have meaningful sex that touches you on every level. Sadly some will never experience this depth of connection.

12. Loneliness is disconnection from yourself.

It’s not being alone, because some of the loneliest moments I’ve had was when I was in a relationship that I no longer fit in. Loneliness is forgetting who you are. Disconnecting from your purpose and passions. It’s trying to fill voids externally. It’s losing the core of who you are. It’s fear of change. You can’t connect to others when you’re disconnected from yourself.

I wish I knew these things in my younger years. I chased happiness. I chased validation. I chased the things society told me I should be chasing. And in the end, it hurt me. I was so busy chasing that I never stopped to check in with myself and what I really wanted. By the time I reached my 40s, I had no clue who I even was anymore. Of course I knew I was a mother. I was a wife. I was a daughter, sister, and friend. But who the hell was I? Who was I as a woman?

It took me a long time to get here. A lot of painful lessons and losses. It took soul searching and several wrong turns. But those turns needed to happen to ensure I finally found my compass and corrected myself. To finally say, I am a whole, fulfilled woman, standing in my own power.

GenXer’s have a reputation of being tough because we were raised in a time where a nightly reminder came on TV to ensure parents remembered to check that their kids were home safe. There were no cell phones or internet, so tracking us was impossible. Many of us were walking ourselves to the local shops as young kids to buy cigarettes for one or both parents. We had wild hair, cool roller-skates, drank passion pop, and danced like we didn’t give a f*ck. Fireworks were called crackers and we lit bonfires, let off those crackers, whilst simultaneously drinking cheap alcohol and listening to Cold Chisel, Madonna, and Boy George. The movie “Puberty Blues” was iconic in my teenage years. And whilst many of us do have a toughness and resilience about us, we also carried some unhealthy patterns and cycles that needed to be broken. Some of us broke them and others have continued them into future generations.

Each generation does the best they can with what they know, but time and knowledge are a gift. To improve. To change. To break patterns and cycles that are serving nobody. To create a better world.

And it starts with us.

We can be the change, but it can only happen when we are prepared to look inwards, because that’s where the work is needed. That’s where the fears, insecurities, and outdated beliefs are held. That’s where we can tap into our gifts.

~