I am overwhelmed, but I’m doing my best.

My best is pretty weak, clumsy, ineffective at times. But I keep trying, and opening, and learning, and trying.

I’m not anxious about having two mortgages, no savings left, not having sold or rented my house, having to move more or less against my wishes.

Why? Because I have love, communication, friendship with Kelsey. Something I’ve always longed for. Is it easy, always? Of course not. Is there a path through all our many challenges, with the help of counseling, community, midwives, dear friends, dear family, dear sangha? Yes.

And, secondly, because of Dharma. Meditation. Nature. Practice. The tools to be present, and breathe through the storylines.

I’m not anxious, usually, about anxieties and fears. We have nothing to fear but fear itself, as Roosevelt reminded us—and that too can be breathed into and through. When I do “lose my seat,” as Trungpa Rinpoche put it, that’s part of it. We adjust our seat in the saddle and ride on. We reach out and open up, even if difficult, and ask for advice or help. We look inside and be kind to ourselves, and our difficulties.

And finally, we do the work. Exertion. There’s so much effort required to get through all this. I am tired. But I get up again and again, and rest when I can. I get up because I love, and I care.

Would having more financial resources be helpful? Yes. Would having a fancy home that doesn’t need work so that Kelsey could nest, now, be helpful? Yes. But life isn’t what we want. It’s better than that: it’s real. And real is our path, and the path of awakening is the path of opening up and caring. It’s not just about me, but my heavy heart and lightening breath remind me that I am cared for, too.

This is a lot. But it’s workable. But it’s a lot.