My mum used to say that motherhood is about sacrifice.

“Wait till you become a mum and then you’ll know.”

If you’ve read my previous work, you’ll be familiar with my fighting spirit and independent streak.

Needless to say, when I became a mum, I had no interest in continuing the narrative of “sacrifice.” There is no such thing, in my view. When we bring a baby into this world, it’s our responsibility to do what it takes to give this infant the best we possibly can. If this means making changes to our pre-kids life, than so be it.

Here’s what I wasn’t ready for:

The grief.

I miss my mum like hell.

I don’t think I have ever missed her more.

Let me be honest. I don’t wish for her to be here because I don’t think it would be pleasant for either of us. I am not living the life she wanted me to, but…I still miss her.

I miss the idea of her being here.

I miss the idea of her being a dotting grandmother but also respecting my agency as a new mother.

I read a saying recently that went something like, “heal yourself so that your children don’t have to heal from you.”

The better part of my adulthood was spent in therapy re-parenting myself. This was before I wanted to have children. For most of my life, I had no interest in becoming a mother or having a baby because I did not want to sacrifice my autonomy.

That’s what the early motherhood sacrifice is really about: autonomy.

Babies need their mothers.

I find that it’s controversial to say that you’re prioritizing motherhood these days. After all, a generation of women fought for our right to work, but you really can’t win—motherhood is not about winning.

While we have the right to work, we also have the right to choice. We have a choice in how we parent, a choice in the career path we take, and a choice in how we spend our days.

For me, life has taken a slower stance.

I am cherishing my morning chai while my daughter plays and waddles. I am enjoying walking in the park while my daughter collects leaves, flowers, and twigs.

I am excited for what the next season brings but for now, I am here and it’s beautiful.

~