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What do you want to happen?

This is a question I ask when I meet new clients, and sometimes it can baffle them for a moment.

A gentle shift, a gentle change in perspective is sometimes all that is needed to create change.

And yet, this can be incredibly difficult to do.

We are so used to looking at the problem that we tend to focus on what we don’t want. Or if we know what we want, we know exactly how we want it. For example, if we want more peace in our lives, we tend to think that it must be our in-laws, our children, our crazy neighbors that must all change first.

If we want more success, we may even get upset when it’s a friend with a connection that gives us a leg up instead of “earning” success by our time spent toiling away on things we never wanted to do, things we only did because we thought we were supposed to.

It can seem random, and perhaps that’s why it frustrates us so much. At some point, we realize there isn’t much we can directly control.

And yet, there is a pattern.

There is a reason that it’s difficult to answer the original question: what do you want to have happen?

It’s baffling to so many because suddenly your brain must begin working differently.

Our brains are wildly efficient, and the goal is for you to be safe and comfortable.

And if you don’t feel safe or comfortable, I have bad news for you: your brain was taught this level of unhappiness could keep you safe. On an unconscious level, you know exactly how to operate at your current level.

The good news is that this can be changed.

Especially during your formative years as a child, your brain created a series of neural pathways that can zip throughout your body in less than a second. It works with your nervous system to direct you and keep you in situations that you are already familiar with. Because you know what to expect, you know how to react, and you’re already comfortable with a certain level of disappointment.

For your brain, this is considered safe.

So, back to the question—what do you want to have happen?

The reason this baffles people is because when you take a moment to consider something new, your brain is lacking the neural pathways for you to zip down.

There’s simply nothing there.

I have more good news for you.

Because there are no neural pathways there, that means that you get to create it.

I’ve had some clients express dismay at this part. “But I don’t know anyone who lives the way I want…I don’t know anyone who has the love I want, the success I desire, the happiness I crave.”

That’s okay. We all start somewhere.

Here are a few of my tips for building shiny, new neural pathways:

>> Let Yourself Play. For a moment, or maybe once a week, let your inner child pick an activity. Take some time to let yourself be silly, embarrassing, or even cringe. Let yourself make bad art, play the drums poorly, or dance weirdly. The more often you do this, the more often your brain learns that you’re allowed to enjoy life.

>> Imagine. When you daydream or get into a kind of meditative trance, you can really begin to imagine your life exactly the way you prefer. You can dream as big as you want. And the best part is if you begin to create worst case scenarios, that means you’ve got a great imagination! You can gently redirect or restart your visualizations and make the moment smaller, like seeing yourself enjoying coffee in the morning.

>> Let Yourself Be Uncomfortable. When we’re not sure what will happen next, we can become very uncomfortable. We also create in the unknown. As we let ourselves be bored, as we sit with awe-inspiring beauty, or perhaps even the fear of wasting time, we are giving our brains time to begin building something new. Without distractions, it doesn’t take long for us to create new pathways, to learn to record peace and beauty, and to begin looking for fun.

Soon the question won’t feel so impossible because as you build new pathways, you can find more options opening up, more people surprising you in wonderful ways, and best of all, you will soon realize that you have a choice in how to respond.

So, what would you like to have happen?

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