He was one of the nicest people I had ever met.

We spent almost every day together and I loved every minute of it.

We had our ups and downs like most relationships do, but our core was solid. I was happy.

He was crazy handsome. I loved his face.

He was successful in his own way. He had this drive about him that was sexy as f*ck.

And there was something about the way he held me in his arms that made me feel safe and loved.

He was amazing to me in all the ways that no one else had been prior. He was very kind and considerate, always asking what I wanted to do and executing on it. He was always looking out for my best interest when it came to life, offering his assistance in everything that came my way. And he always helped me around the house with constant upkeep and maintenance. He felt like home.

My family and friends even thought he was fantastic. They were great judges of character, so I knew I had a good one on my hands.

We were so similar in our beliefs so it wasn’t surprising that we matched so well. He might have even been my twin flame or soul mate type sh*t. We literally were perfect for each other.

I loved him and loved everything about him, so whenever we would have a disagreement, I took it seriously and did whatever I had to do to fix us because he was too amazing to ever let go.

But when I would bring something up that bothered me, hurt me, or if I mentioned something that he said or did that was rude, his first reaction was to deflect, defend, or make me the problem.

Wait what? 

I would stand there stumped for my words because I couldn’t understand what was happening. I thought I was going crazy. I almost thought I was at fault for feeling the way that I did. Did that really hurt my feelings or was I just being overly dramatic? 

His responses were so carefully orchestrated to perfection that it was hard to see any wrong on his part.

His deflecting, defending, or making me the problem was so quick and detailed, surely I was the one causing unnecessary friction in our relationship by being ridiculous or too needy. He was so good at it that I started to believe that I was the problem.

And I missed the fact that it all started out small.  Little jokes at my expense, subtle invalidation, and constantly telling me that I was just overthinking or that I was being really sensitive. It was so small I overlooked what was happening.

So then I started tiptoeing around my truth just to keep the peace. I was terrified to bring up things that were bothering me and hid every goddamn hurt, disappointment, or rudeness he dealt my way.

But the more and more this happened, things didn’t sit right with me. It mentally and physically made me ill.

When I pushed back, he said it was just a misunderstanding.

That was not just a misunderstanding at all. This was him avoiding taking any kind of accountability and responsibility.

Instead of acknowledging his own mistakes, he deflected by shifting blame on me, distorting reality, and destroying every inch of me.

His deflection was a way to avoid any difficult conversations or any confrontations with me. He was keeping his self-image intact by avoiding any criticism or negative feedback.

Deflection can be used to control others and to avoid taking any responsibility for one’s actions. Someone can use it to manipulate and control their partner by invalidating their feelings and experiences.

Deflection can be a form of gaslighting where one attempts to make their partner question their sanity and perception of reality.

Defensive behavior is displayed by defending oneself or blaming others. They offer numerous excuses and justifications for their behavior, even when it’s not necessary.

Even minor criticism can trigger intense defensiveness, perceiving it as a personal attack. It involves changing the subject, bringing up unrelated issues, or pointing out the other person’s flaws to distract from the original point.

It’s emotional manipulation when a person makes the other person out to be the problem. They might even deny things they said or did, twist the other person’s words, or make them feel as if they are overreacting. They often lack empathy and refuse to understand the other person’s perspective or feelings. It’s always about them.

He was showing me he couldn’t hold emotional tension in our relationship, only control.

I was shrinking my needs and second-guessing myself at every turn.

I was self-abandoning my wants, needs, and desires, which was starting to activate my childhood wounds where I felt like I was too much, no one was ever going to love me, and that everyone was going to f*cking leave.

Just because it was so good when things were great, it didn’t mean that I needed to completely self-abandon myself to make this work with somebody who couldn’t even regulate his emotions and validate my experiences or what I was going through.

I didn’t want to end it, but it wasn’t my place to fix someone with low self-esteem. Maybe he had childhood trauma that lingered. Maybe he learned it along the way. But I couldn’t talk with him about it because he came right back at me as if I was being dramatic. Like I was the crazy one. He had to first see what he was doing and want to change on his own. While deflection can be a way for someone to cope with difficult emotions, it can damage relationships and create a toxic environment.

I couldn’t stay in a toxic relationship. It was taking away my light in this world. There are some things that are nonnegotiable and someone dulling my light was one of them.

I won’t ever self-abandon my wants, needs, and desires just to be with someone. What’s the point if you can’t be your authentic self in a relationship? I would rather be alone in my truest self than sacrifice who I am just to say I have someone.

Realizing that he wasn’t good for me helped me walk away, but my god did I miss the good about us. I especially miss his face and the way he wrapped his arms around me.

There is someone out there for me who will validate my experiences and what I am going through.

Relationships are about two people fighting against the world together, hand and hand, not two people fighting against each other. It’s already hard enough out there. I need a partner, not an enemy.

I don’t expect perfection, but I expect someone to energize my light, not extinguish it.

Don’t let anyone dull your light. We are all meant to f*cking shine in this world.

~