“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” ~ David Viscott
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Love—real, lasting love—is rarely a straight line.

It’s upside down. Inside out. Messy and sacred. Complicated and breathtaking.

And yet, it’s worth it.

People often ask me, “Fifty-three years? What’s your secret?” The truth? There isn’t one secret. There are thousands of tiny ones too real and too tender to fit in a Hallmark card.

Here’s one thing I’ve learned: Love is not always what we imagined it would be.

An iconic line from the classic movie, “Love Story,” says: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Not true.

Real love—the kind that endures, deepens, and transforms—means saying “I’m sorry” more times than we can count. It means apologizing, forgiving, softening, and shifting.

It means learning to say, “I was wrong. I didn’t understand. Can we begin again?”

A Relationship Workshop, a Slogan, and an “Aha” Moment.

While it’s true that love flows from the heart, I’ve also learned that it asks something more of us than that.

Years ago, my husband and I attended a “Marriage Encounter” workshop. On the wall, there was a banner: “Love is a decision.”

I thought to myself, “What are they talking about? Maybe we’re in the wrong workshop. Don’t they know that love should be magical, intuitive, and felt only from the heart?”

Fast forward 20 years or so, life taught me a deeper truth…

Love as a Feeling Gets you Started. Love as a Decision Keeps you Going.

When your communication breaks down, when trauma resurfaces, when you feel like strangers in the same room, you can still make a conscious and cognitive decision to trust in your love enough to stay a while longer. And then longer.

Fifty-three years longer.

Even when you can’t feel it in your heart, you can remember enough good moments to whisper a quiet but determined “Yes.”

My beloved and I keep choosing that yes. Especially when it’s hard.

When the heart and the mind dance together, love becomes a rhythm. Sometimes you’re in sync. Sometimes you lose the beat. But if you’re both willing, determined, and committed, the music never really stops.

There’s No Cookie-Cutter Way to Love.

I remember a time when we weren’t dancing the ebb and flow of life in sync, and to breathe in fresh perspective and energy, I registered for a one-night relaxation workshop.

As I walked in the room, it was hard to put on a smile. I felt down, frustrated, and anxious. I wanted to slink away and get back in the car, but before I could act on my desire, the facilitator wasted no time.

He dimmed the lights, asked us to lie down, close our eyes, and cover ourselves with the blanket we had brought from home.

As the sound healing bowls began to vibrate throughout the room, I could feel my body relax and my heart open wide, and within seconds, I sensed why.

This wasn’t just any blanket. It was a blanket of love. 

It was the orange and brown wool one I had admired in a Native American store and then forgotten about. It was also the one my husband quietly brought home for me weeks later.

It was his way of telling me that I’m always in his heart. Even when he’s busy. Oh, and on the coffee table? Twelve long-stem roses. No special occasion. Just non-verbal deep love, one soul to the other.

In that moment of magic and miracles, I slipped love back into my heart, said a prayer of gratitude, and remembered that relationships aren’t always about the right words or perfect timing.

Sometimes love is a warm blanket placed over you when you need it most.

What Love Continues to Teach Me

“There are times when we may need to invent an upside-down and inside-out way to return to the soft place of love. Love may not always come in the way we expect. Try anything you can to get there. It’s worth it.” ~ Cheryl Melody Baskin, Heart-Dreamer: Stepping into Life, Love, Creativity, and Dreams—No Matter What

After fifty-three years of choosing each other, forgiving, laughing, leaving the room, coming back, and beginning again, here’s what love has taught me:

Humility: The courage to say, “I’m sorry” and the openness to receive it.

Grace: The space to be human. Flawed. Beautifully imperfect.

Flexibility and Compromise: “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” It’s not about giving in. It’s about finding a way through the tough stuff together.

Humor: Laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes we’re so silly together, we could star in our own comedy show. “Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.” Let’s all learn to fly.

Tenderness and Vulnerability: Let your partner see you. Really see you. “Into me see” is a reflection of the word “intimacy.”

Respect: Honor each other’s rhythms, moods, dreams, and sensitivities. Even the ones you don’t understand.

Boundaries: Speak your truth, and listen to your partner’s truth, too. Create a love that feels mutually safe, respectful, and warm.

Perseverance: People grow. Heal. Change. Evolve. Hang in there. Love ripens.

Presence: Be there with your whole self. Eyes up. Phone down. Soul in.

Communication: Share your thoughts and feelings even when it’s hard. Listen, too.

Touch: Hold hands. Hug longer. Be a soft place to fall in love with each other again and again and again.

Curiosity: Keep discovering each other. We’re all still unfolding.

Space: Let love breathe. Give each other room to grow.

Gratitude: Notice the small things. Say thank you. Mean it.

Show Up: With your flaws. Your heart. Your trust.

Love: Give the love you want to receive. Not from expectation, but because that’s who you choose to be.

The Imperfect Poetry of Giving and Receiving Love

Love isn’t an Instagram-perfect story. It’s sacred and it’s messy. It asks for humility, grace, and the courage to begin over.

Sometimes, love is passionate. Sometimes, love is quiet.

And sometimes, love is simply a warm blanket draped over your shoulders when you need it most.

Whether you’re just beginning, unraveling, returning, or wondering if you can find your way back, remember: Love doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. It just has to be chosen with heart, humility, and courage.

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

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A gentle but important note: What I’ve shared here is about loving relationships where both partners are safe, respectful, and willing to grow together. If you are in a relationship where you are being harmed physically, emotionally, or otherwise, please know you do not have to “stick it out.” Love should never require you to sacrifice your safety, worth, or dignity. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800‑799‑SAFE (7233), or text START to 88788.

You deserve love that is safe, respectful, healthy, and kind.

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