I never knew how to filter my relationship fights.

When my husband and I started dating, I made sure to address every issue and solve every developing problem.

My goal was to have open and honest conversations with my partner and build a strong relationship that wouldn’t easily crumble.

To my surprise, my way proved unfounded…

Our conversations were far from being peaceful. In fact, our words were fueled by anger, hurt, and disappointment. It took me many years and many unnecessary fights to realize that conflicts weren’t the enemy in my relationship; I was.

I had created the conflicts that temporarily strained my relationship although my intentions were always pure. With time and (lots of) practice, I learned when to confront and when to step back. That was exactly when my relationship started thriving.

If you find it hard to filter your fights, I see you. When we are in a relationship with someone whom we admire, respect, and love, we feel the need to solve every single problem head-on—especially that our present generation is much more aware of the difficulties that love entails compared to previous generations.

But when we choose to solve a problem, communication may break down and we might find ourselves stuck in a repetitive pattern that’s fuelled by blame, resentment, and accusations. Although we’d love to just let it go, we can’t. We are afraid of the negative consequences that stem from ignoring important issues.

Just like you, I used to think that I shouldn’t ignore what might lead to a breakup—until I realized that every problem in my own mind was rooted in fear. Sweeping relationship problems under the rug wasn’t my main fear; my main fear was separation.

When we are scared of losing the person we love, we may act impulsively or accidentally worsen a fight when we are triggered. But there’s a middle way—a way that consists of pausing right before a fight escalates.

We tend to miss this short window as we may be too overwhelmed, stressed, confused, or triggered. If we pay attention and stop for a few seconds, we can ask ourselves some questions that may help us decide whether or not to engage in a conflict.

We may deny it, but the truth is not every problem requires addressing. There’s an opportunity at the beginning of every brewing argument that we can take if we are willing to truly solve our problems. Because sometimes non-involvement is the wisest choice and the real solution.

The non-involvement that I practice in my relationship has nothing to do with detachment, passive-aggressiveness, or emotional unavailability. On the contrary, it is rooted in mindfulness and awareness. There are a few questions that I always ask myself before engaging or starting a fight with my partner, and they almost always redirect my behavior that might have otherwise been destructive, driven by emotion, or hurtful.

Here are six questions that may help you choose your relationship battles wisely:

1. Is this worth addressing? Ask yourself, “Will this matter months or years from now?” If it won’t, maybe the issue is trivial.

2. If I choose to back off, can I let it go? If you’re able to acknowledge your feelings and let go of resentment, you can move on.

3. What are the consequences if I engage in a conflict? How will this conflict impact your relationship? How will it impact your partner? Assess the consequences.

4. Am I acting out of anger? Your emotions might cloud your judgment, so make sure your choice is rooted in mindfulness.

5. What’s my short-term goal? Do I want to win an argument or solve the problem?

6. How is my partner feeling? Examine your partner’s body language and emotions. If they’re not on the same page, you may need to revisit your choices.

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