The avoidant man feels like a prize: elusive, intriguing, just out of reach.

You almost have him…but not quite.

Psychologically, what we can’t fully have often appears more valuable. But that’s just the surface of this pattern.

You go on a few dates. Things progress. He seems all in—until you bring up exclusivity or ask where this is going. Suddenly, he pulls away. You’re left blindsided, asking yourself, Did I say something wrong? Was I too much?

It’s painful. There was a spark, a connection. It felt like something real was forming—only to end in silence or confusion. Again.

You start questioning your worth. You strategize how to get him back. Then maybe he returns with just enough breadcrumbs to reignite your hope.

And the truth? You can’t stop thinking about him. The good moments. The potential. The “if only this one thing changed, we’d be perfect.”

But you’re not in love with the real him. You’re attached to an illusion—one that only exists when things are light, fun, and commitment-free. At the first sign of depth or responsibility, he vanishes. This triggers your nervous system, your attachment wounds. If you’re drawn to this kind of man, chances are you lean toward anxious attachment.

Because everything operates in polarity. Opposites attract. Anxious types are magnetized by avoidants—not because it’s healthy, but because it’s familiar.

You might’ve heard that you “attract” these people because of your energy or vibration. While well-meaning, that narrative can be deeply shaming. You aren’t cursed. You aren’t broken. The truth is: we meet all kinds of people—who we choose is what matters.

Who you choose reveals where you are in your healing journey.

Let’s say you go on a few dates with someone clearly emotionally unavailable. He even says he’s not looking for anything serious.

You now have two choices:

1. Wounded Inner child mode: “Challenge accepted. I’ll be the one who finally makes him stay. If I love him enough, he’ll change and choose me.”

2. Secure adult mode: “Thanks for your honesty, but I’m looking for something different. Wishing you the best.”

The first is your wounded child speaking—the part of you still craving to be chosen. She chases the highs and lows, the inconsistency, the emotional crumbs…because that’s what she was taught love looks like. Unpredictable. Earned. Dependent on how much she gives.

It’s a loop that began with caregivers who couldn’t fully meet your emotional needs. And she’s still trying to close that loop. “If I can just get this unavailable person to love me, then I’ll finally be enough.”

But the second path is rooted in secure attachment. It’s grounded. Clear-eyed. It takes people at face value and doesn’t sugarcoat red flags. It knows you can’t lose what’s truly meant for you—and rejection is simply redirection.

In this path, you no longer chase. You no longer contort. You know your energy is sacred.

You stand rooted in your Queen energy—a woman who knows her worth, and knows her King is out there. She no longer settles for less.

But let’s be real: you don’t just wake up one day in that secure place.

Getting there takes healing.

It takes doing the deep inner child work to tend to the part of you that still desperately wants to be chosen in order to feel worthy. This is the part I guide my clients through with compassion and clarity—helping them reparent that inner child, meet the unmet needs, and create safety from within rather than seeking it through another.

It takes regulating your nervous system, so you’re no longer hijacked by anxiety or fantasy when someone pulls away. So you can actually pause, breathe, and respond instead of react.

It takes rewiring limiting beliefs around love, safety, and self-worth—replacing the old scripts of “I have to earn love” with “I am already enough.”

It takes learning to set and honor healthy boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable—because you finally understand that your time, energy, and heart are precious.

It takes cultivating the conviction that the kind of love you’re longing for does exist. That there is someone out there who can meet you, match your depth, and build something grounded and mutual.

And it takes healing the attachment trauma that created this dynamic in the first place. Secure attachment isn’t something that just happens—it’s something you embody, one choice at a time, as you heal the wounds that shaped your patterns.

Every time you choose differently, every time you choose you, you’re rewriting the story.

You’re becoming the woman who no longer begs to be chosen—because she’s already chosen herself.

And from that place, everything changes.

You don’t have to keep repeating the same painful patterns. The love you want is possible—and it starts with choosing you.

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