Most people think that keeping a relationship alive is tough.

That’s why things like long distance, children, or marriage scare us…because love already feels too hard.

Most of us realize how tough it is to keep that “spark.” And so we long for the early stages of dating where everything feels right, easy, and exciting.

But we’ve all been there. We know it’s impossible to go back in time and meet each other for the first time again. That’s when love becomes hard…that’s when we start talking about “reigniting” the spark.

But do we really lose it?

Is it true that all relationships are meant to die at some point and we have to revive them?

That idea has given me anxiety many times. Whenever I see my relationship “losing” its spark, I panic:

Are we “dating” enough?

Are we still holding hands?

Is the sex good enough?

Are we spending time together?

Are we cuddling?

The pressure of keeping the spark alive is real.

When we feel disconnected from our partner, we rush to make things right. We use all the tricks we know to rekindle the romance and reconnect.

But nobody tells us that disconnection and reconnection are one entity. Usually, we either talk about “losing” the spark or “reigniting” it. We don’t talk about how the spark transforms and changes throughout the years.

We think that keeping a relationship alive only requires positive and fruitful actions—like healthy communication, intimacy, good sex, frequent date nights, trust, and so on. But the truth is, keeping a relationship alive requires constant work.

And constant work can look like many things. It may encompass many ups and downs and many fights that may end up being opportunities in disguise. They may be necessary to keep couples together and reshape their values and personal understandings.

Having said that, the temporary death and rebirth of love are a natural part of any healthy relationship. Even when the spark disappears, know that it’s still there. And even if it reignites, know that it will disappear again.

Do we really lose the spark? I don’t think so. I think we lose our definition of a normal and healthy relationship and get too attached to labels. That loss may manifest as a loss of attraction.

So redefine your relationship in your mind. Examine what your partner means to you. When we are confident in our relationship, the spark that everyone talks about won’t matter that much anymore. Instead of obsessing over it, we focus on:

>> consistency

>> commitment

>> willingness

If we are consistent, committed, and willing to work through challenges together, our relationship can survive all storms of life.

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