We officially met in a coffeehouse, but we had known of each other for years. We shared mutual friends but never talked prior to this day.

He was kind and I knew he was someone I could see myself being friends with.

A small crush developed over time and I desperately waited for any signs that he might feel the same way about me.

Every smile he threw my way had my heart skip a beat. I held my breath each time he called. My knees wobbled every touch he made.

I waited. And waited. And waited even longer.

Until the day he finally caught on when he kissed me. It was finally happening. I knew it would take some time to get things moving, but his moves were slow and far between. I thought I almost imagined the kiss because so much time had passed since I’d seen him again.

When we spent time together, things were amazing. But when I didn’t hear from him, I couldn’t tell if he was into this or not. I was left confused and unsure.

He wasn’t putting in the effort to see me, be with me, or even communicate with me. Yet when I put in the effort, he wouldn’t reject it. If anything he welcomed it. So I was still hopeful this would work. He was shy, I convinced myself. He needed time, I reasoned with myself. He wanted me, I lied to myself.

I’ve had a million little crushes throughout my life. Some of those crushes turned into someone real. Others, not so much. Whether it turned into something real or not, crushes are healthy. It’s proof that my heart was working.

What wasn’t healthy was holding onto the ones who didn’t feel the same way about me. The ones who played games and kept me confused. The ones who would lead me on just to disappear. I kept telling myself, if he only got to know me, he would fall madly in love with me too. So I stayed way too long, almost as if I was trying to prove myself to him.

Stupid.

I am not meant to spend my entire relationship chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be there or chasing after someone who isn’t sure about me.

So I reset my standards when it came to dating me. Being obsessed with me was now a prerequisite. I was only willing to date the guy who wanted to truly be there. I would only date the guy who showed up for me. I would only date the guy who was sure about me.

I wasn’t going to put time into someone who wasn’t completely obsessed with me. A healthy infatuation of sorts. Obsession, taken in a positive manner, can lead a relationship to great heights. A healthy obsession typically involves maintaining a strong commitment with a well-rounded and balanced relationship. It’s that guy who is all in. He doesn’t play games nor disappears.

It’s that guy who shows persistence and a sense of purpose for the relationship. It’s maintaining respect and trust. It involves a balanced relationship where both individuals respect each other’s boundaries and autonomy.

It is the guy who possesses positive feelings toward me.

It’s the guy who displays individual growth and self-improvement while in the relationship. He strives to be a better version of himself for the other person.

It is the guy who has a mutual connection with focus on building a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

So how do we find someone like this?

1. Let go of your attachment to any one individual.

As much as I’d love for the guy I want to feel the same way about me, sometimes he is just not the right person for me.

Letting go of our attachment to the outcome will only open ourselves up to endless possibilities.

It’s putting yourself out there in hopes of finding love but being okay with letting go of the wrong people who enter. And using the wrong ones as lessons of what we don’t want or need in our lives. Which allows room for the right one to come along.

You might go through a ton of bad ones before the right one comes along, but the key here is to allow all the bad ones to walk away without a second thought about them. Detach and move on quickly and as often as needed to allow room for the guy who will call when he says he will. For the guy who will be sure to secure a second date even before the first date is over. For the guy who can’t get enough of you.

2. Be yourself.

Being ourselves should be as easy as breathing, but it may be the hardest one of all. We are always changing, growing, learning, getting better, yet we somehow need to remember who we are through all of our own constant changes.

Being yourself is crucial for finding genuine love because it encourages authentic connections and allows you to attract someone who truly appreciates you for who you are. It’s about being honest with yourself and others, embracing your individuality, and building a foundation of self-love and acceptance.

When you’re genuine, you’re more likely to attract someone who is compatible with your true self, rather than someone who is attracted to a fabricated persona.

Authenticity builds trust and emotional intimacy, which are essential for healthy, long-lasting relationships.

Pretending to be someone you’re not can lead to relationships built on false pretenses, which are likely to crumble over time.

3. Don’t chase.

We should only be chasing the ones who are chasing us in return. End of story.

4. Always choose yourself first.

Putting yourself first means prioritizing your own well-being and needs. It’s about taking care of your physical and mental health, setting boundaries, and making choices that align with your values. While it might sound selfish, it’s not; prioritizing yourself allows you to be a better version of yourself for yourself and for others.

I deserve someone who is just as obsessed with me as I am with myself. So be obsessed with yourself and your life.

5. Keep an open mind.

Keeping an open mind when dating means being willing to consider new people and possibilities, even if they don’t initially fit your preconceived notions of an ideal partner. It involves focusing on genuine connection, actively listening, and being flexible rather than making snap judgments based on superficial factors. This approach can lead to more fulfilling and lasting relationships built on compatibility and mutual understanding, rather than just superficial attraction.

Sometimes the person I never thought about dating would suddenly surprise me and be everything I ever imagined a relationship could be. That doesn’t happen if you’re focused on the wrong one. If we keep an open mind about love, love will show up when we least expect it.

I was finally done wasting time on the wrong ones when I only allowed people in my life who possessed a strong and passionate focus on me and the relationship.

We all deserve someone who is all in.

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