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It seems that these days complaining has become a standard form of conversation among the people I interact with.

Of course, there are many reasons to criticize and lament the state of the world. What is wrong with griping about legitimate problems?

There is benefit in venting and expressing my emotions authentically. Stuffing down my frustration and anger can lead to physical illness and even future blowups that are out of proportion to an event that irritates me. Complaining is a way of me letting off steam, and releasing the stormy emotions.

The thing is, what changes as I continually complain? Does the situation improve because I have whined about it incessantly? What happens to my energy? Am I uplifted and inspired as a result?

Just the opposite happens for me. When I am focused on the problems in my life, I go deeper into a place of frustration and edginess. My posture droops, and I feel lethargic and discouraged. The more I stay in this place, the more I find fault with almost anything. I am not enjoying life at all.

One of the Instagram feeds that I read regularly is by Heidi Rose Robbins, who is an astrologer, poet, and speaker. I was intrigued one morning as I read her message. She quoted a line from the book Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak. “I can’t think of a single complaint that couldn’t be stated as a desire…and with far better result.”

What did this mean? I had the sense of being asked to look at something familiar (my complaints) from an upside down perspective. What in the world did my complaining have to do with my desires? I wasn’t sure if I even knew what my desires were.

Another quote from the book followed: “True desires are a message from you, to you, about what will make you feel alive.”

I stopped reading and took a deep breath. When did I last feel alive? Was it possible that I could discover a new way of being with myself? What might happen as I connected with my desires?

I was ready to give this a try. I started listing the complaints that have kept me company over the past while. This was the first step as I started a journey of discovery about the relationship between complaining and desires.

1. I complain about the injustice and suffering in the world, and the corruption of leadership that seemingly ignores the principles of compassion and empathy.

2. I complain about not seeing my grandchildren enough.

3. I grumble about friends who don’t answer my texts in a timely manner.

4. I complain about my lack of energy as I am still recovering from the stress of my husband’s acute heart disease, which was discovered a year ago. He is getting stronger and I am grateful. However, it seems my recovery is only beginning.

5. I mutter about my lack of interest in writing. I complain that I don’t have the ideas or energy required to create. I see myself as a failure.

What is the unspoken desire embedded in each of these complaints? Would it really make a difference to pinpoint what I want?

Here is what I discovered.

Naming the desire is the doorway to choosing what actions I will take next. It gives me a sense of power and agency rather than seeing myself as a victim at the mercy of a frustrating situation.

1. My heart is breaking as I read the news and hear of pain and injustice for so many people. My desire is that everyone could experience peace, safety, and abundance. This can be overwhelming as I wonder where to even start. I focus on what I have control over and I choose to be grateful for what is going well in my life. I look for opportunities to help those less fortunate. My local food bank is grateful for my donations. I visit my uncle who is 101 years old. Lonely and isolated, he tells me my visits are a gift to him. I cross the street to greet my neighbour whose wife collapsed and was rushed to Emergency a few days ago. He is grateful to tell me she is recovering. I share chores with my husband and we collaborate in meal preparation. Our respectful relationship is a practical way to be at ease and enjoy life.

2. I am in the season of the “second empty nest” as my grandchildren move into the teen years. They are focused on their friends and activities that don’t include me in the same way as when they were toddlers. My desire is to nurture my relationship with them. As I talk with friends who have teenage grandchildren, we remind each other that it is up to us to get creative with ways to stay connected. I text with good wishes before an exam. I invite my granddaughter over for a paint party. My husband and I plan an outing to a favourite restaurant to celebrate two of the boys on completing a swimming test and being accepted into a college program. This summer we have events on the calendar to capture time together in between their jobs and vacations. I treasure their smiles and hugs that let me know they love time with their grandparents.

3. When friends take longer than I wish to get back to me, I know what my desire is. I long for connection and community. This is my chance to wait and trust that when we do get together, it will be the perfect time for both of us. I am practicing compassion, as I realize I do not know what they are going through. Life is complex and I am only one person in their lives. Love for my friends includes letting go of my expectations. Meanwhile, I am learning to connect with myself and enjoy my own company.

4. For the past year, I have been on edge and anxious, worrying about my husband’s health. My desire is that I could let go of my fears and experience lightness and play in my life. I have found a therapist that has supported me during his recovery and I continue to meet with her regularly. She encourages me to be patient with myself and to keep from shaming myself because I am not “back to normal.” I give myself permission to nap, read novels, and relax on my patio watching the humming birds. I am proud of my commitment to fitness. Along with my husband, I am weight training and hiking hilly trails. Getting in touch with my desire has opened a glimmer of light for me as I heal.

5. Writing is what I love. My desire is to create from a place of joy and contentment. I am choosing to write for myself. My journal is my friend, and I allow the words to flow with no concerns about my audience. As a result, I know that I will write for others when I am ready. The inner critic that labels me a failure is not allowed to dominate my thoughts. I thank it for its concern and reassure it that I am just fine, thank you. As a result, I am a sleuth for writing ideas and I feel alive as the process unfolds.

The adventure of discovering what desire lies underneath my complaining has been life-changing for me. I am encouraged to know that I can now reframe my complaints into desires and show up powerfully in my world.

I encourage you to experiment with this approach. As you get clear on a desire that makes you feel alive, take note of how you will shift away from complaining to a new perspective and way of being.

You are welcome to share your experiences in the comments. Let’s support each other on this path.

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