“The male loneliness epidemic isn’t an epidemic, it’s the consequence of poor choices. Companionship isn’t a right, it’s something you earn. A good woman won’t stay where she’s not valued.” ~ Chris Perry

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Let’s be frank and honest here.

Loneliness is a lack of connection. It’s not necessarily about being alone, as many people who live alone are not lonely, and many people in actual relationships are lonely.

It’s a disconnection from self and the inability to form genuine connection with others. Perhaps a perception of being isolated and feeling empty. Without meaningful relationships, which by the way, do not only mean romantic relationships, but any relationships—family, friends, colleagues, community.

What loneliness for men isn’t…is women’s fault.

Let me make something clear. I’m not talking about the genuine loneliness of someone who has lost their long-term partner and grieving that loss. Or the older person who over the years has become more isolated, as they have lost more and more people along the way. I’m talking about this “self-inflicted” loneliness that comes from conditioning and expectation. That comes from poor behaviour and treating women like they are trash. That comes from the privilege they feel they deserve for simply existing.

No, this is something entirely different.

We have a crisis of sorts on our hands. A crisis of increasing numbers of men who are lonely. A growing crisis of incel culture. A sad crisis created by men themselves, in a society that still functions under a dysfunctional patriarchy. A system that hurts everyone, including men, and sometimes especially men.

What I find fascinating is that for centuries women have been silenced. Our lives relegated to the back stalls, whilst men got the front row seats. Our issues ignored. Our voices not heard. Women were burnt at the stake out of fear they were witches, because of their intuition and gifts. Women were locked away in mental institutions, treated abhorrently, for what was likely them experiencing menopause. We were tucked away at home, with the expectation that our only focus was to be in the home. So many women were lonely and disconnected. So many women were treated like second class citizens. So many women were abused. So many women were absolutely miserable. Yet there were no screams of an epidemic. There was no public outcry for men to fix our woes, because we knew they would never help fix this broken system that they created and benefited from.

So instead, we sorted it out ourselves. We as women fought for equality. And since that time we have worked on healing generational trauma. We have learned that we can form amazing connections with friends. We have moved forward and grown in a system that’s still geared to push us down. But we’ve found our voices. We’ve discovered our strength and resilience. We don’t fear independence or being alone. And whilst I’m sure there are still some lonely women, it’s not an epidemic that is being spoken loudly all over social media.

Sadly, these men, instead of looking within and working on building genuine connections, do what they’ve been conditioned to do for centuries: they blame women. Because taking responsibility for their own lot in life is impossible in a system that continues to teach them that it’s never their fault.

“It’s feminism’s fault.”

“My wife left me and it came out of nowhere.”

“Women are used up by the age of 30.”

“Women age like sour milk.”

“Women who work are in their “masculine energy.”

“Nobody wants a boss bitch.”

“The ideal woman is between the ages of 18-25.”

“It’s a woman’s job to look good.”

“It’s a woman’s job to have and raise kids.”

“Being married means you can’t say no to sex.”

“Women are the only ones to benefit in marriage.”

“Women should choose better.”

“She deserved it.”

“Women out in bars are there for men.”

“That’s what she gets for dressing like that.”

“Don’t take no for an answer.”

“Women who are sexually active are for the streets.”

“Okay, you dried up old cat lady.”

“Have fun dying alone, whilst your cats eat you.”

“Who are you going to call to protect you?”

“Women are gold diggers.”

“We don’t want a woman who earns more than us.”

And the list goes on. And on. And on.

Are we really surprised that with the internal and outright hatred some men have for women why they are so bloody lonely?

But instead of stepping up and changing, healing, working on themselves, seeking therapy, finding some passions and purpose to fulfil themselves and perhaps find meaningful connections along the way, they become angry. Resentful. Bitter. And they project. They judge. They blame others. They blame women because history has taught them it’s always a woman’s fault. The witches. The feminists. The independent women. The women leaving marriages. The women choosing to be single. The women who enjoy sex. The career women. The women doing what men have done for centuries. The women who choose to stand in their autonomous power.

It’s eye-opening to live in a world where women are treating men the same way we’ve always been treated, and there’s an outcry. Some men have positioned themselves well and truly in the victim space, and even the good men notice this.

The truth is, men are being left behind. And the one glaringly obvious fact in all of this is women have always been the underdog. Considered the weaker sex. Considered the emotional ones. Yet when faced with centuries of adversity and being shut down, torn down, and repeatedly abused in a system created for men, by men, we fought back. We became connected. Empowered. And we’ve shown time and time again our strength, courage, and resilience. We are the protectors.

And these attributes have pissed some men off to no end. And now we have an epidemic. A male loneliness epidemic caused by no other than the system set up to break women. And we also have an increase in harm to women because angry men are emotionally unregulated men who inflict pain on others. Imagine spending your whole life blaming others for your own shortcomings.

It saddens me that when women stand up for themselves they are despised for it. Yet when they don’t, they are mistreated. We live in a society where some men still see women as objects. Who still cannot treat women equally and with respect. When I speak to my dad and son about these issues, two men from different generations, they still have the same disgust—and that is these pitiful men who blame women for everything deserve to be lonely. When I speak to a colleague, a man in his 70s, and he tells me about some of the men on the golf course who speak of women like pieces of meat, we are both disgusted. Good men exist, but the miserable, angry, emotionally immature men will always be the loudest.

And they will always blame women. And the male loneliness epidemic will continue to grow.

These men are angry they are not being chosen, that many women are choosing themselves instead. They’ve been raised believing they are entitled to a woman. That women are their maids. Their sex slaves. Their therapists. Their peace. Their incubators. That women are at their disposal. Yet these men bring little, if anything, to the table, except maybe a pay check, and because in the past that was all that was expected of them, they haven’t evolved. They don’t know how or don’t care about the running of the home. They have no idea how to actually pleasure their partner. They are so emotionally stilted, yet expect their partner to ease all their emotional ails. They carry on about “peace,” yet do absolutely nothing to create “peace” in their own life.

And they wonder why they are lonely? They wonder why so many women chose the bear?

Here’s the thing, we are not talking about children, but we are talking about grown men who still behave like children and are looking for someone to mother them. If they took the time to reflect on history and the plight of women, they would learn a valuable lesson and that is that women took responsibility for themselves and fought for change. We didn’t go on podcasts sulking about being lonely. We didn’t abuse, rape, or murder men after being rejected. We don’t expect men to fill our every need, and we bring ourselves peace. We became independent and discovered we too can have passions and purpose outside of being wives and mothers. We got educated. We went to therapy. We built connections with all sorts of people. And we learned how to fulfil ourselves alone.

There’s this line of thinking that women are unhappier because more women take antidepressants and/or are in therapy and I say that’s because more women are willing to seek help. I say respectfully to the uneducated men who make comments like this, women taking responsibility for their mental health is a good thing, and if more men took the initiative the world would be a better and safer place.

So how do we fix this mess?

>> Firstly, it’s not up to women to fix. It’s time for these men to step the f*ck up and evolve. We will support those who want help, like we always do, but we are not your therapists. And we are not your punching bags.

>> Stop blaming women for everything wrong in your life. Look within and work on your own toxicity.

>> The world has evolved and expecting that women should behave like they did back in the day because we had no option, independence, or freedom to be different is no longer going to work.

>> Build connections with family, friends, and yourself. Learn how to meet your own needs and fill your own cup.

>> Become the peace you expect the women to bring into your life.

>> Understand that sex should be pleasurable for both men and women and if you can’t offer your partner an orgasm, learn to be a better lover.

>> Learn to communicate and listen.

>> Create emotionally safe environments.

>> Stop disrespecting women.

>> Stop being entitled. The automatic privilege of men is waning. You now need to work on your compassion and kindness.

>> Stop abusing women who reject you. We all experience rejection, but your fragile ego has you behaving badly.

>> Stop chasing teenagers or women who are far too young for you because it makes you feel good about yourself.

>> Stop projecting.

>> Work on your self-worth and self-awareness.

>> Value women as actual human beings instead of an object you can use and abuse.

Women are becoming more discerning because we have to be. Too many of us have been abused, controlled, and killed over the years. More and more of us will choose peace and refuse to lower our standards because we’re not afraid to be alone. We want a partner not a child. We want someone who can emotionally function as an adult, not an emotionally unregulated boy. We want a man who seeks professional help when he needs it. We want respect and a man whose ego is in check. We want a good friend and a good lover. We want a man who understands autonomy and has no need to control us. We want a strong and courageous man, not a weak-minded man who cannot and will not address his fears, anger, and anxiety. We want a man who understands he can change, grow, and evolve.

Until these men take responsibility for their behaviour and their misery, they will continue to be lonely. And until they stop blaming women for how they feel, they will never feel better.

Taking responsibility for our own lives and how we feel is the best gift we can give ourselves.

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