How did she get here?

How did she allow herself to fall into his arms? The arms of a man who belonged to another. A man who was her boss.

How did she, a smart woman, lose her way in such spectacular fashion? How did she ignore her gut and trust the sweet words that often lacked a corresponding action? How did she become just an option?

She always shunned the negative terms used to describe “the other woman.” Sidepiece. Mistress. Paramour. Desperate. She tried to turn a deaf ear to the vitriol and hatred often directed at a woman in a relationship with a married man. She buried her concerns about her career suffering should this be discovered. She wanted so fervently to believe this was different. This love was different. They were the exception.

Until they weren’t. Until she was left reeling in a pit of despair.

How did he get here? How did he allow himself to be tempted? How did he find it so easy to live a duplicitous life? How many lies had he told? To his wife? To her? To himself? Why did he need these two women to fulfil him? Was he even fulfilled? He turned a deaf ear to the restlessness he was once again hearing from within. He justified his actions by believing he was in control and his needs were important. Nobody would get hurt. He could juggle all the balls, as long as he was careful. As long as he was discreet. As long as he was smart about it. He could have it all.

Until he couldn’t. Until the secret he had been so desperately concealing came tumbling out, and like a cyclone hitting a populated area, there were bound to be casualties.

The aftermath was shocking. He was fighting for his life to preserve his marriage. His wife was grappling with the humiliation and pain of a woman who had just been shown the life she had built was a lie. The man she had married, she no longer knew. And somewhere in the distance was her. Feeling isolated and alone. Filled with shame and guilt. Terrified of going to work tomorrow. Wondering if he would contact her; after all, he had made future promises, which included her. Grief stricken at the thought of losing him. Self-hatred and loathing for what she had done.

Behind closed doors, everyone has their secrets. Behind closed doors, the perfect life so often curated on social media is a mirage. Behind closed doors is sometimes a lonely and desolate place. Behind closed doors, the masks come off. Behind closed doors, the truth can sometimes break you in ways you could never imagine. Behind closed doors can be an ugly place for some.

He arrived at work the next day, walked into his office and closed the door. He knew there would be conversations and some sort of action would be taken. And whilst there were some whispers and looks, the staff didn’t bother him. He was spoken to by senior management and told he “should have been more discreet.” He was told “she could cause him and the business issues, but they had a plan.” He was told to “take a few weeks leave until this blew over.” And whilst there were some frowns and some head shaking, there were also some silent “high fives.” Afterall, he’d done well to not only “bag two women” but get away with it for so long.

She arrived at work the next day, walked into her office and closed the door. She realised she had been holding her breath, so she let it out with a gasp. She knew she looked a mess, given she had been crying all night. She saw the look of judgement on people’s faces and it made her feel more shame than she thought possible. Nobody spoke to her, and now in her office, she was too scared to move. She didn’t need to wait long before the management cavalry arrived. They spoke to her about “breaking policy.” They reminded her about “fraternisation in the workplace.” They explained that what she had done was cause for “severe disciplinary action.” They advised her that “her employment would be terminated effective immediately and she was to pack her belongings and leave the building.” They came prepared with a nondisclosure agreement and offer for a small severance and also a documented list of all her other failings in meeting job performance.

She sat there stunned. She asked about his consequences, in which they advised “they were not at liberty to discuss with her.” She asked why her “performance failings” had not been discussed with her before, in which they blamed “him,” because he was clearly too blinded by the affair to discuss with her. She felt bullied and intimidated. She felt the waves of nausea wash over her. She felt she had lost everything. And she knew she didn’t have it in her to fight. She walked out.

Gossip is an insidious thing when you’re on the receiving end of it. She was crucified. She was constantly compared to his wife. Her looks were torn apart. His looks were never spoken about. It was said she was desperate and lacked any self-worth. It was said he was an asshole, but this was out of character. She was described as an easy shag. A soulless b*tch who preys on other women’s husbands. He was described as losing his way and behaving like a d*ck but loved his family and had learnt his lesson. They said she was trying to “sleep her way to the top.” They never mentioned the benefits he was receiving.

She was blamed for tearing a family apart and breaking up a home. He was blamed for slipping up and being unable to avoid temptation. They said “she had nothing to lose.” They said she “made him lose everything.”

Yet she was in fact the one who lost everything and even if he loses his marriage, his career will go on. His reputation will not be tarnished. But hers will. This will be her burden to carry.

It’s a tale as old as time and women still wear the brunt of infidelity, especially in the workplace. The double standard screams at us, yet we refuse to listen. Because throughout history, it’s always been the fault of the woman. A man, who society tells us is the leader, the provider, and the protector, leads himself to another woman. Provides her sex. Protects himself. And blames “her” for his lack of control. Morality. Integrity. And loyalty. When a man sexualises a woman and exploits her, we ignore it. We make excuses for his behaviour. We shrug. But when a woman uses her sexuality, we shame her. We blame her. We judge her harshly.

But we don’t stop there, because it’s not over until the “other woman” is destroyed. We call her manipulative, yet we never question if she was manipulated. We question her worth, yet we never question his worth, when he seemingly needed two or more women to validate him. We doubt her intelligence, her qualifications, and her ability in the workplace because we assume she’s sleeping with him to benefit her career. We never doubt his intelligence, qualifications, or ability, even when he takes advantage of his power and is clearly focused more on sex and deceit than on doing his job.

We rewrite her entire success story into a scandal. But rarely do we question his abuse of power.

I’m not defending these choices. But why can’t we apply consistent accountability? Why is she treated like a leper and he is not? Why is it so wrong for her but less so for him? Here’s the thing, the judgement, defamation, and abuse of her is simply a tactic to distract everyone from the man’s part in the sordid tale. We say “she’s sleeping her way to the top,” but we never call his complete lack of integrity and his ability to deceive the woman he says “he loves” and still we trust him in the workplace. The cognitive dissonance is astounding.

Here are my thoughts. Not every “other woman” is a scheming, manipulative vixen on the hunt to destroy marriages. Some are manipulated, pursued, and deceived. Fact: he destroyed his marriage. Not every unfaithful man is behaving “out of character.” Fact: sometimes this is who they are. And if it wasn’t “her,” it would be someone else.

Many of us in society sit in our little glass houses, wearing our little rose-tinted glasses, awaiting someone to f*ck up, so we can criticise and judge them. So we can feel better about ourselves and our perhaps less than happy life. Yet more often than not, we have no idea what goes on behind their closed doors. But we do love a scapegoat. We do love to blame someone, and when we find that person and she’s a woman, we are prepared to metaphorically stone her to death, with our judgement and our words. We feel justified in vilifying her looks. Her intelligence. Her integrity. All the while we’re so loud in our judgement of her that we let him quietly move on with his life. Accepting his “she never meant anything to me,” “it was a mistake,” “she threw herself at me when I was vulnerable,” and the list goes on.

From what I’ve seen and read, these men are so often pathetic weak cowards. Either unhappy in their marriage but too scared to end it, or lacking self-worth and self-esteem, so needing constant validation from other women. And even when caught, they still lie. It’s not a sign of a healthy, confident, and emotionally secure man to pursue other women outside their marriage. It’s a sign of a man who needs therapy and a man who needs to learn how to take accountability. It’s a sign of a broken man.

So whilst we all throw stones at “her” and judge her morals, self-worth, self-esteem, and her looks, perhaps it’s time we call the truth of it out. Yes, she needs to shoulder her part of the ugly mess and sort her life out, but he destroyed his relationship, family, life. Because of his lack of morals, low self-worth, and low self-esteem. He made that decision. And as for her looks, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

How many times will a woman allow herself to be humiliated by her cheating man before she stops blaming the other woman? How many times will a workplace allow a male manager to abuse his power and have sex with staff and sweep it under the rug, whilst simultaneously destroying the woman he had sex with, like she’s the whole problem?

I’ll leave this last little tidbit. It was never an accident. It was never a mistake. And it never didn’t mean anything. It was an active choice he made. He knew it was wrong and did it anyway. And it always means something. Even when it doesn’t, it does.

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*Author’s Note: a recent affair that has been made public has had me watching meme after meme and reading comment after comment. And what I’ve found is a common and disheartening theme. A reminder that women are treated far more harshly when an affair is discovered, and this has been an issue throughout the times. I’m not at all condoning the behaviour or suggesting there shouldn’t be consequences, but I am saying both men and women should be judged the same and face the same consequences. This is a story to show how differently men and women are often treated in these situations.

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