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There is so much negativity spouted out in the world about single mothers.

People throwing around statistics about children, particularly boys, raised by single mothers. The doom and gloom.

The judgement that single mothers are somehow inadequate and deserving of being single is really quite unfair. That “‘single mothers” are the scourge of society. The patriarch doing what the patriarch does best and laying the blame on women, because, of course, it couldn’t possibly be the man’s fault, could it?

And sometimes the best option is for parents to live apart, yet still, there is this need to discriminate, perceive the woman as “less than” or problematic. Ensure it’s made known that being a single mother is inferior and it’s her fault. It’s always her fault.

What if we switched this up and instead of referring to the children of “single mothers,” we refer to them as the children of “absent fathers”? It hits a little differently, doesn’t it? It reminds us that there is another parent who decided to remove themselves from their child’s life. Who decided their child wasn’t worthy of their love, time, or presence.

And before anyone bites my head off, I know that some women may be the problem and are indeed causing harm, or are to blame, but it absolutely is not the majority of “single mothers.” And no, I’m not a single mother, but I do see single mothers in my therapy practice who are trying to rebuild their lives and do the best for their kids, but they often feel they are up against the odds. We live in a judgemental society that likes to frown at women who are often victims. It’s her fault for being abused; she should have chosen better. It’s her fault she’s a single mother; she shouldn’t have picked a crappy partner. It’s her fault for spreading her legs or not using contraception. It’s her fault if her child or children grow up without a father.

At what point do we lay blame where blame lies and reframe some of these beliefs? It’s his fault for being an abuser. It’s his fault for being a crappy partner. It’s his fault for not using protection, if he didn’t want to be a father.

We can argue until we lose our voices. And we can sit in judgement because apparently we are more superior. But when do we acknowledge the issue is far more nuanced and expect better? When do we see the statistics around boys from homes without a father and instead of determining the mother to be at fault, we ask: Where is the father? And yes, I know there will be the bitter and resentful people reading this, brimming with burning rage, saying “she wouldn’t allow him in the child’s life!” Maybe in some cases this is true and I’m sorry for any man who really wants to do right by their child or children and is shut out of their lives.

But again, this is in the minority.

Let’s be honest: single mothers are an easy target, and for every sh*tty “single mother” there are many more sh*tty “absentee fathers.” How many mothers have abandoned their kids to start a new life and have more kids? How many women have offspring scattered all over the place that they either know or don’t know about? The reality is very few because in the majority of cases the women are left holding the fort and trying to raise the kids as best they can. All the while being stigmatised as a “single mother,” as people sit high up on their thrones.

What I find interesting is if it’s a “single father” they are praised. They are looked upon with compassion and empathy. They are seen as amazing for taking on this role, when it must be so hard for them. This more often from women. The internalised misogyny at this point is outrageous. Even fathers who “babysit” their own kids are applauded for doing the very thing women do Every. Single. Day. How do we see a “single father” as a hero and a “single mother” as a failure? Even though there are far more “single mothers” than “single fathers” and more often than not the “single father” is widowed as far less women abandon their kids.

It’s so unfair and contradictory. Our expectations of women and mothers are so damn high and they are judged so harshly and even when they are a victim of a situation, they are still blamed.

The children of separated parents that co-parent well are blessed—two adults who put aside their own issues to ensure the kids needs come first. But all too often when men leave their partners they also leave their children. They reject and abandon their kids, setting them up for a lifetime of never feeling good enough and wondering what they did wrong. And when these beliefs and wounds are not or cannot be soothed by the “single mother,” she is blamed! It’s her fault the child ends up in trouble. She didn’t find them a suitable male role model, people will say. She didn’t discipline enough. She didn’t do this. She didn’t do that. It’s always her fault.

Where’s the bloody father? He could have been the male role model. He could have soothed his child’s insecurities by showing them presence and love. He chose to abandon his child instead of showing up.

In Australia, even abusive fathers get access to their kids, often using the kids as pawns in some game of hurting the mother (thanks again patriarchy because damaging kids even further is always beneficial). What I’m getting at is that most men can see their children if they really want to. And can always fight to be in their lives, but many choose not to. The excuse of “she won’t let me see the kids,” whilst it does happen, is rare and more oftentimes an excuse, because if you really wanted to and you’re a good man and father, you would be in your kids’ lives. And with all honesty, how many fathers carry the mental load and do the school parent and teacher nights? Take the kids to their medical and dental appointments? Organise the birthday parties? Arrange the play dates? Arrange and run around doing activities? Do the clothes shopping? Know the important dates and kids friends? How many provide the emotionally safe space for their kids? Because again the expectation is this is the mother’s job.

So whilst as a society we continue to find fault with “single mothers,” can we start to find fault with the absent fathers, without blaming the women for them being absent? It’s exhausting to see the continued battering of “single mothers” without acknowledging the sh*tty absent fathers.

When kids get to a certain age they can choose to not spend time with a parent, and all too often I see the mother being blamed for this also. They have poisoned the kids. They have turned the kids against their father. They have brainwashed them. And again, yep, there’s definitely an element of that, but there are also deadbeat fathers who haven’t been there for their kids or built an emotionally safe relationship and their kids see straight through them and choose not to spend time with them. And instead of reflecting on their own behaviour and trying to improve the relationship with their kids, they become bitter and resentful and once again blame the mother.

Let’s acknowledge the role absent fathers play in their kids lives. Let’s understand the pain of abandonment and rejection their absenteeism causes their kids and the amount of emotional work and support the mother, alone, needs to do to compensate for this man who chose to walk away. Let’s address the issue of problematic boys growing up without a male role model and instead of accusingly pointing the finger at the mother, who in many cases has done the best she can, let’s point the finger at the deadbeat father who couldn’t be bothered to be in his son’s life.

A woman raising a child alone is not a failure. A failure is a society who has conditioned us to believe it’s always the woman’s fault. A failure is a man who fathered a child and decided not to be a father. Failure is a system that continues to allow this to happen.

How can the “single mother” be the failure when she is the one who chose to stay?

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