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Ever felt that intense pull toward someone that was so strong you needed to be with them constantly? Like a vortex sucking you in and you’re both magnets drawing together at rapid speed.

What about that nervous energy that was only appeased when you were in their presence? Or the feeling that you’ve never felt this way before and therefore it must be meant to be?

What about that off the chart chemistry, you know the one, that has you all hot and bothered, fantasising about ripping their clothes off right there and then? That pesky “love” hormone oxytocin has a way of all too often binding us to the wrong people.

Aah yes; many of us have been there. It’s powerful. It’s all-encompassing. It’s passion on fire. It feels compulsive. Your thoughts of them intrusive. You need to see them. You need to touch them. You need to be with them. You need to have them. You need.

But is it love?

Honestly, more often than we would like to admit, it isn’t love—well not love in the healthy sense of the word. Whilst the feelings can be almost identical at times, the roots and outcomes are vastly different.

But how do we know? How can we identify if we are genuinely in love, or whether we are trauma bonded?

Genuine love is often a slower burn. It’s grounded in mutual respect. It’s based in safety. It’s consistent and not chaotic. There’s not these highs that we pine for, to compensate for the all too common lows. You will feel your autonomy is important and never feel trapped or controlled. Whilst conflicts will inevitably arise, they will be resolved with compassion and respect, even if there is a difference of opinion. Disagreements never escalate into manipulation, threats, or cruelty. Your individual needs are met without having to constantly justify or minimise your feelings. You feel emotionally safe and comfortable to be vulnerable without fear of punishment, silence, stonewalling, gaslighting, or any sort of retaliation.

Genuine love is honest in its communication. There’s a rawness that doesn’t feel disruptive or confusing. It respects boundaries and privacy but is without secrets. It is open and not conflict avoidant. It understands individuality and independence and encourages you to become the best version of yourself. It enables you to grow and supports you with your goals. It’s interdependent and not co-dependent. It feels like home but it is not familiar.

Genuine love will never leave you second-guessing yourself or the relationship. You will never question the truth of the person sleeping beside you.

Trauma bonds are encased in emotional dependency and often reinforced by cycles of abuse, intense emotional distress, and a craving for their presence or approval. The abuse can be seen as controlling behaviour, manipulation, deceit, or infidelity. Trust will inevitably be broken. Authentic care is lacking. There’s people pleasing because walking on those eggshells is far less painful than the alternative. The relationship is a roller coaster of incredible highs that come in the form of love-bombing, apologies, gifts, beautiful words, and oftentimes great sex. And as high as those highs will take you, the lows will take you lower and have you on your knees, with the emotional neglect and abuse.

There’s a neediness that doesn’t belong in healthy relationships. There’s a harmful and damaging belief that you need each other to be whole.

The chemical reaction of this roller coaster will keep you addicted. Will keep you chasing the next high moment. Like any addict, you await your next hit of dopamine. It will suck you into the mayhem and tell you this is normal. You will try and minimise the toxicity and rationalise the awful lows with those highs. You’ll be forever trying to fix things but nothing truly changes. You will sweep your concerns under the rug. You will ignore your intuition. You will refuse to listen to your inner voice. You will swallow their lies because the truth is too bitter to bare. You will stay, even though deep down you know, you know within the core of your being, that you shouldn’t. Deep down you know you are bonded and attached for all the wrong reasons. You tell yourself you can’t leave. You tell yourself they will change. You convince yourself they are the version you have created in your head. You trap yourself. And the saddest part of all: you constantly lie to yourself.

Trauma bonds thrive in fear. Fear of change. Fear of leaving. Fear of being alone. Fear of listening to your inner voice. Fear of judgement. Fear of hearing the truth. Fear of knowing you are addicted and co-dependent.

Breaking free is no easy feat. But despite Pat Benatar’s words in her song “Love is a Battlefield,” love is not actually meant to be a battlefield. It’s not meant to make you feel insecure. It’s not meant to have you walking on eggshells. It’s not meant to make you second-guess yourself or question your sanity because there are so many lies you have no idea what the truth is anymore. It’s not about need, addiction, and co-dependency.

The push and pull of a trauma bond keeps you forever craving the good moments, even though the reality is the relationship brings more harm than it does good.

When two people meet who have wounding from their childhood that feels familiar when they cross paths, the perfect storm is being created. They fit and it feels so right. They unconsciously feel something in the other that feels so intimate. Things move quickly. The intensity is palpable. The addiction has begun. The co-dependency is forming.

But don’t confuse love with need. Don’t confuse familiarity with ease and normality. What’s often familiar are those feelings from our childhood wounds.

The glimmer wears off quickly. Everything begins to tarnish. There are breaks in the relationship for “space.” One or both partners cheat. Deceit becomes part of who they are. Sometimes to the outside world it looks pretty, but behind closed doors it’s ugly, and sometimes the two people involved don’t know how ugly it really is. And they stay. They raise kids in this mess. They pretend they are happy. It’s superficial because they fear what truths will be revealed if they were truly vulnerable. It’s the relationship they know. It’s the love they have come to understand. All the while never realising that this bond was never meant to be forever.

As painful and even gut-wrenching as a trauma bond is, there are incredible lessons that can be learnt. When you’re courageous enough to look inside with honesty, you can start to see your story, and that can be the beginning of change, healing, and growth.

I never understood my trauma bond until I was no longer in it. His need for me I found flattering, only to realise that it was never healthy. The control that started subtly and grew. The jealousy that became so damaging. The projection of his deceit and his behaviour onto me. The way he would manipulate me to get what he wanted. Oh, but how I craved him. The cycle of highs and lows almost killed me. Did I love him? Hell yes, I loved him with every part of my being. Did he love me? I believe he did, but it wasn’t a healthy love; it was the only way he knew how. He was the dazzling disco ball, all sparkly and beautiful. Hypnotising to watch. I often felt like there was an energy cord joining us, that was filled with buzzing electricity and everyone could see just how we were feeling.

But when the sparkle wore off, he became a wrecking ball. And he would swing haphazardly, and I was always in his way.

Reflecting on what it was can be a bitter pill to swallow. But here’s the thing: I am grateful. Yes, grateful. Because even though the blinding pain and despair almost broke me, without him steamrolling into my life, I would not have been on this incredible journey of healing, growth, and transformation. Don’t get me wrong. He is not responsible for the hard work I have put in. He is, however, responsible for the utter heartbreak he caused me. Nor can he take credit for my strength, courage, and resilience; that’s all me and something I never realised I had. What he became was my catalyst for change. And that’s what I believe our trauma bonds can be, if we choose to be brave enough to ignore our fears.

I look around and see far too much dysfunction. Partners who are living with huge deceit and betrayal. Relationships that are far more ownership than partnership. People staying for the kids. People tolerating abuse. Women who believe they are unworthy or simply not enough and somehow deserve to be treated poorly. People equating need as love. Trauma bonds are everywhere.

So how do we leave? How do we change and grow?

One step at a time. Build a support network. Get therapy and do your inner work. Get underneath your belief system. Learn your attachment style. Give yourself time to process all you have experienced and grieve. Rediscover yourself and find your purpose and passions. Learn to fulfil yourself and understand happiness does not come externally. Remember, you are a whole person all by yourself. And forgive yourself; you know better now.

Genuine love doesn’t leave you questioning their loyalty. Your sanity. And it absolutely isn’t confusing, deceitful, selfish, controlling, jealous, abusive, secretive, emotionally neglectful, or co-dependent. It won’t project all over you. It won’t ever leave you feeling like you’re not enough. If your love doesn’t empower you, excite you, add to your joy, allow you to grow, encourage you to become your best version, see you as an equal, treat you with respect, is loyal, is vulnerable, allows individuality, independence and autonomy—walk away and learn how to give yourself those things.

Become the narrator of your own story, rather than the damaged character in someone’s else’s book.

~