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“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” ~ Unknown

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Hmm…sounds right and logical, doesn’t it?

I mean if you are constantly setting yourself on fire to keep others warm, then it’s only you that’s going to get burnt and perish, isn’t it? But here’s the thing: sometimes life doesn’t give you an option. Sometimes, you find yourself in situations where the only way you can survive is by setting yourself on fire, bit by bit, because if you don’t, nothing will be left of you anyway.

Most often this survival mechanism begins in childhood or we pick it up in situations where this is the only thing that can help you stay alive—you shrink until you’re not seen anymore, life adds burdens until you collapse under the weight, you give up your needs until you forget what they even meant just so you can carry on, hoping and wishing that the crumbs world offers to you will be enough for you. After all, that’s why you’re even setting yourself on fire each day, isn’t it?

And even though you think that one day someone will see you, hear you, rescue you, none of that happens because you’ve let things go on for too long. Just like your system has adapted to constantly being on fire in a bid to survive, so has the world—it’s normal for the world to see you burning without a whimper.

They say you can’t pour from an empty cup and that’s true, but do you even remember you are a cup? Probably not, because your identity has been burnt away.

Day after day, and for years, you continue to deplete yourself or light yourself up (you can choose whichever metaphor you like!) until the very concept of being alive, bright, and full becomes…foreign.

You forget what joy feels like.

What it means to say “no” without guilt.

What it’s like to rest without needing to earn it.

You feel like you have to measure up all the time and despite the best of your efforts, you feel like you keep falling short.

When you, as the cup, feel empty and your essence feels burnt away, it’s often not because of one big event but a series of small, consistent, deeply ingrained behaviors and patterns that quietly erode your sense of self over time.

Here are some of those seemingly small yet immensely powerful patterns that chip away at you:

1. Saying “yes” when you mean “no.”

Each yes that contradicts your truth is a tiny leak in your boundaries. Over time, it becomes a flood that drowns your voice.

2. Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.

“I’m sorry” becomes your default language, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. It chips away at your confidence and self-worth.

3. Constantly explaining or justifying your choices.

As if you need permission to live your life. Every over-explanation sends the message: “My choices don’t stand on their own.”

4. Minimizing your needs and emotions.

You say, “It’s not a big deal” or “Their problem is bigger than mine.” But neglecting your needs doesn’t make you strong; it makes you invisible to yourself.

5. Over-functioning in relationships.

You do more, fix more, care more, hold it all—often to avoid being abandoned or to prove your value. But that burden turns you into a caretaker, not a partner.

6. Swallowing your truth to keep the peace.

You silence your opinions, avoid confrontation, and play it safe…but in doing so, you betray your own voice.

7. Feeling guilty for resting or saying “no.”

As if your worth is directly tied to productivity or how much you can give. This guilt? It’s internalized pressure, not a reflection of your value.

8. Tolerating emotional crumbs.

Whether it’s relationships, friendships, or work, you convince yourself that “something is better than nothing.” But your soul starves on crumbs.

9. Waiting for external validation.

You keep hoping someone will finally see you, validate you, or tell you you’re enough. But while you wait, you abandon your own approval.

10. Being the “strong one” all the time.

You don’t ask for help, you don’t break down, you carry it all because “you can handle it.” But even strength has a breaking point when it’s never allowed to rest.

And you think a few holidays, rest, or self-care days are enough to overturn all of this? These patterns, survival mechanisms that have come to shape your essence, will go away in a few weeks or months of you simply resting?

Nope. Because filling yourself up or being alive again is not simply about self-care and physical nourishment. It calls for a soul-level nurturance that you now need to give to yourself along with the most important thing—time. To acknowledge the emptiness, the burns. The pain, exhaustion of carrying the world’s burden on your shoulders while neglecting your own and, in fact, simply abandoning yourself.

It calls for honoring and holding space for the burnt parts of you, wrapping them in your arms and tending to their wounds and finally setting them free.

Coming back to yourself is a journey, not a destination. However, here are some things you can begin with—small, intentional acts of reclaiming your energy, identity, and aliveness:

1. Start listening to your body’s whispers.

Before it starts to scream. Your body always knows—when you’re tired, overwhelmed, hungry for stillness or joy. Start with one check-in a day: “What do I need right now?”

2. Practice sacred “Nos.”

Say no to what drains you—even if it’s just once this week. Each no is a yes to yourself. And you don’t need to justify it. “No” is a complete sentence.

3. Make space for slow moments.

Not productivity disguised as rest. Actual rest. Lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Watching clouds. Reading for pleasure. You are allowed to exist without performing.

4. Begin reparenting the burnt parts.

Talk to them. Hold them. Ask, “What did you need back then that you didn’t get?” Offer it now in small ways. A kind word. A warm meal. A safe boundary.

5. Surround yourself with people who don’t need you to burn.

Pay attention to how you feel after being with someone—lighter or heavier? Choose warmth, not weight. You deserve reciprocal spaces.

6. Let go of “strong all the time.”

Allow softness. Let someone see the parts of you that are tired. That ache. Even if it’s just with a therapist, coach, or journal. Stop holding it all alone.

7. Replace guilt with grace.

The next time guilt shows up when you rest or choose yourself, try asking: “What would I say to a loved one in this moment?” Then say it to yourself.

8. Reclaim joy without needing to earn it.

You don’t have to hustle for joy. It’s not a reward; it’s your birthright.

Do something small this week just because it lights you up. No purpose. No productivity. Just pleasure.

9. Learn to support yourself at all levels.

Because if you don’t, you will always be searching, waiting, wondering, and you will start burning yourself again.

Filling your cup again won’t happen in one big moment.

It happens in these small, sacred ways when you begin to remember that you are worthy of care, of space, of softness. And most of all, that you never needed to burn to be loved.

“With life as short as a half taken breath, don’t plant anything but love.” ~ Rumi

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