Relationships take work.

When we enter them, we know, deep inside, that they require effort, care, and commitment.

When facing ups and downs, we do our best to avoid a breakup. We prioritize the relationship and work toward solutions. However, sometimes no matter how hard we try to normalize disagreements or difficult times…we fail to achieve stability.

We feel like things are out of control, and even though we try to reconnect and nurture the relationship intentionally, we might end up hurting ourselves and our partner…unintentionally.

That’s the reality of relationships:

1. We feel the urge to find a solution for every disagreement. I’ve learnt the hard way that not every conflict requires a resolution. I create unnecessary stress in my relationship when I choose to return to a problem again and again. One of the wisest things we can do in love is to know when to back down. Consistently trying to “fix” problems and “win” arguments can be detrimental and extremely stressful for both partners.

2. We don’t want our partner to change. If we want to maintain a healthy relationship, we need to come to terms with the fact that our partner might change over time. We will change too, and that’s completely fine and normal. As long as we remain respectful, open, and honest, both partners can evolve and grow individually (and together) without changing the relationship dynamic.

3. We think that every disagreement requires a fight. When we disagree in a relationship, we instantly think about “winning.” But wanting to win every argument slowly kills relationships and drains partners. The truth is not every disagreement requires a right-or-wrong point of view. We can agree to disagree while remaining respectful and flexible.

4. We’re quick to blame. Taking responsibility for our actions isn’t always easy. Blame, on the other hand, feels easy. But constant blame eventually shatters trust and leads partners to resent each other. So if we want to foster connection and love, we need to quit the blame game and communicate openly instead.

5. We don’t focus on the real issue. Oftentimes, real facts get lost during conflicts, as we struggle to regulate our emotions and focus on the real problem. We get distracted by other unnecessary issues and start fighting for stuff that doesn’t matter (and doesn’t make sense either). This type of unintentional fighting harbours anger and hurt.

How can we become more intentional in our relationships? By considering how our behaviour impacts our partner and the relationship we’re in. When we see the damage that our words, actions, and reactions create, we slow down and replace:

>> Resentment with empathy
>> Blame with openness
>> Lying with honesty
>> Pride with humility
>> Overthinking with mindfulness

~