*Editor’s Note: This article is part of a series. You can read part one here and part two here.

Partners who refuse to deal with issues are often deemed toxic.

Because the truth is nobody likes the silent treatment. Confrontation, no matter how tough it is, is always the right thing to do.

But partners who resort to avoidance aren’t “bad” or “toxic.” There are many reasons why partners might stonewall each other, and it’s time to address this issue that’s slowly killing our relationships.

Unless stonewalling is used as a tactic to manipulate, control, or abuse, partners who resort to it might not know the consequences of their actions. They hurt others because they are hurt. They refuse to engage because engagement doesn’t feel safe.

In the previous parts, I discuss the signs of emotional withdrawal. Today I examine the triggers and how we can effectively respond to our partner when they retreat into themselves.

Here are five common reasons why your partner is refusing to respond to you:

1. Fear.

The most common reason why partners stonewall each other is fear. Maybe they struggle with the fear of being emotionally open, which carries the massive risk of being hurt or shamed. Maybe they fear their partner and their potential outbursts or negative reactions. Maybe they feel cornered and are worried about where the talk may lead. All that upcoming “danger” might push partners to shut down because it is ultimately safer.

What to do:

The wisest solution would be to tone it down and create a safe space for your partner to open up and communicate comfortably without feeling judged or shamed.

2. Losing battles.

Some of us struggle with the fear of being wrong, so we always opt for being right. In relationships, wanting to “win” every argument has some serious repercussions. Because if we frequently make our partner feel they’re wrong, they will ultimately feel bad about themselves and withdraw emotionally so they don’t face their recurrent “flaws.”

What to do:

Always choose your battles and learn to bring up problems without the win-lose mindset. Focus on growth and progress instead.

3. Overwhelm.

When a partner dodges many sudden emotional waves, they may not know how to handle them. They might not even know how to make us feel better when they are, in fact, trying to save themselves. Our vulnerability or sensitivity might scare them, so they retreat. When they emotionally “escape,” they stop feeling responsible for our own emotions.

What to do:

Explain how you would like to be supported. Your partner might be stonewalling you because they’re failing to understand your needs.

4. Avoiding escalation.

When a partner is overwhelmed with strong emotions, they might shut down so they can regulate their emotions again. However, if the conflict or situation escalates, they might react impulsively or have angry outbursts. That’s why stonewalling might feel right. The need to regulate their nervous system might push our partner to withdraw.

What to do:

Ask your partner if they need some time for themselves and allow them to have it. You can communicate again when both of you are ready.

5. Learned mechanism.

We often underestimate the power of our childhood and how it impacts our present relationships. A partner who shuts down emotionally might have watched his parents doing the same during conflicts. Stonewalling could be a learned behavior and we often carry it with us into adulthood and romantic relationships. It’s simply a well-observed response to feeling dysregulated.

What to do:

Seek professional help if needed or help your partner to identify their triggers so they can break the generational pattern of emotional disconnection.

~