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More than a decade ago, my ex-boyfriend called me to discuss our unexpected breakup.

To be honest, I don’t recall what we talked about. But there is one thing he said to me that I could never forget.

With an accusatory tone, he asked, “Elyane, why did you allow me to take away your power?”

I thought he was insane. How could I have given him my power, and…what did “my power” mean anyway?

His words echoed in my mind for many, many years, but I finally understood what he had told me when one day I suddenly felt powerless.

That man was right. I did, in fact, give him my power. I allowed him to be in control of my life, emotions, reactions, and thoughts. I thought he was innately manipulative, but the truth was I had deliberately allowed him to manipulate me.

I could hardly digest that ugly truth, but sadly that was my reality: I was powerless.

I struggled with that emotional weight for decades and realized that I tend to put friends, lovers, coworkers, and family members on pedestals. It wasn’t easy to navigate that journey, as I had to cope with emotional abuse, manipulation, and fake friendships.

Add to that the daily reminders that I might never be able to build genuine connections because of my low self-esteem. How could I recognize genuine love when my own self-love was skewed?

Have I fully healed? No. Am I recognizing unhealthy behavior patterns? Yes.

You see, the thing about giving away our power is that it happens silently. Some people hurt us because we allow them to hurt us, but we rarely see it. We tend to blame others without examining our own behavior first.

To reclaim our power, we need to understand what our power means. Our power is a combination of our needs, values, thoughts, emotions, and boundaries. When we give that away, we give away who we are. We stop being in control of how we think, feel, and act. We even behave differently around those who take away our power.

In other words, we shrink around them. We transform into people we are not just so they can approve of us. Some people take away our power because of a personality trait. They might have a tendency to be controlling or manipulative. If we have a tendency to be submissive or people pleasers, it might be easier for them to drain our power.

Giving away our power might also be a learned behavior in childhood or an unfortunate mechanism that we have developed in the past. Even if we know that we lose our power around certain people, it might be difficult for us to end this painful pattern. Oftentimes, we don’t know how to feel safe around those who don’t agree with us or aren’t onboard with our goals and choices.

Here are 16 signs you might be giving away your power:

1. They easily ruin your mood.

2. They influence your choices.

3. You have weak boundaries around them.

4. You struggle to say no to them.

5. Saying no to them scares you.

6. They provoke you.

7. They intimidate you.

8. They make you feel guilty.

9. Their opinion of you impacts your self-image.

10. You don’t feel confident around them.

11. They get reactions out of you.

12. You constantly feel like you owe them something.

13. Being around them worries you.

14. You feel like a victim.

15. You feel like you can’t speak up.

16. You apologize to them when it’s unnecessary.

If we want to own our power again, we must redefine our self-worth and values and set firm boundaries with those who might hurt us. Believe in yourself and your choices without worrying about what others might think. Your life is yours; own it.

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