View this post on Instagram

In an age where the language of trauma, boundaries, and safe spaces has entered the cultural mainstream, the concept of “feeling safe” has taken on powerful significance.

At its best, this language allows people—especially those from historically oppressed groups—to name their pain, set clear limits, and advocate for environments where healing and equity are possible.

But like many powerful tools, the concept of safety can be misused. Increasingly, “feeling unsafe” is weaponized to shut down uncomfortable conversations, particularly those that challenge privilege, dominant narratives, or the actions of the individual wielding the phrase.

This weaponization often shows up in discussions about race, colonialism, patriarchy, or systemic violence—when those being confronted with hard truths react not with reflection, but with deflection and self-protection masquerading as moral high ground.

Safety vs. Comfort

The crucial distinction here is between emotional safety and emotional comfort. Conversations about racism, privilege, or oppression are often inherently uncomfortable for those who benefit—consciously or unconsciously—from unjust systems. Yet discomfort is not the same as harm.

Acknowledging that one’s ancestors owned slaves, that one benefits from settler colonialism, or that one’s words or behaviors have harmed others, can stir up deep feelings of shame, guilt, or defensiveness. But those emotions, while real and worthy of introspection, are not a violation of safety. They are invitations to grow.

When someone says “I don’t feel safe” in response to being held accountable, what they may really mean is: “I don’t feel comfortable being seen or challenged in this way.” This confusion dilutes the meaning of genuine safety—especially for marginalized people whose actual safety has long been disregarded or denied.

How Power Shields Itself

Power protects itself by centering the feelings of the dominant group. In conversations about white supremacy, for example, white people may say they “feel attacked” or “unsafe” when a person of color simply names a racist dynamic. In discussions of patriarchy, men may accuse women of being “aggressive” or “intimidating” when they speak firmly about harm they’ve endured. And in institutions reckoning with histories of abuse—churches, schools, even families—those implicated often insist on their need for safety while silencing the survivors seeking truth and repair.

This is not accountability. It is emotional manipulation dressed in therapeutic language.

When those who have caused harm claim to feel unsafe when called out, they reverse the power dynamic. The harmed become the aggressors. The truth-teller becomes the threat. This gaslighting tactic often forces victims or advocates to soften their tone, diminish their pain, or prioritize the emotions of the very people causing harm. And in doing so, they uphold the status quo.

The Cost of Coddling

What’s lost when we conflate safety with comfort is our collective capacity for truth-telling. Justice work is not safe in the traditional sense—it is raw, disruptive, and deeply uncomfortable. But it is in that discomfort that transformation becomes possible. Real healing and reconciliation require a willingness to be unsettled.

When “feeling safe” becomes a trump card to avoid accountability, we risk creating spaces where nothing important can be said unless it flatters power. We silence the voices we most need to hear.

Reclaiming True Safety

True safety is not the absence of discomfort. It is the presence of respect, honesty, and mutual responsibility. In truly safe spaces, people can speak the truth without being punished, dismissed, or labeled as dangerous for doing so. This includes survivors, whistleblowers, and all those courageously naming what others refuse to see.

If we want to build a more just world, we must resist the weaponization of “feeling safe.” We must be brave enough to sit with discomfort, humble enough to examine our own complicity—and grounded enough to know the difference between being harmed and being held accountable.

~