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I am someone who has always seen the forest for the trees.

I am honest (well, mostly), upfront (sometimes to the detriment of friendships and relationships), believe in the power of hard work (mostly because I like to eat), and look at the world for what it is.

I think many of us come from a background similar to mine. Lower-to-middle middle class, got some leg up from family and contacts, but mostly had to hustle ourselves if we wanted to get somewhere. Falling apart when things don’t go my way is a luxury I have never had. Nor, I bet, have most of us.

Getting hurt, being betrayed by those who hate and love me, being dismissed—these have been fundamental parts of my life. As I’m sure they are for so many of us. And while I definitely feel the pain, I’ve never wallowed in my misery.

But the idea of “healing” from my pain was a luxury I didn’t allow myself for the longest time.

Then the big tragedy of December 2020 happened. The world had already come to a grinding halt, and then I lost the two people most important to me during a span of six days. If the tragedy of losing them wasn’t enough, the days after were filled with betrayals and back-stabbing that made me mentally ill.

2021 was, by far, the suckiest, most awful crapshoot of a year I have ever experienced in my whole life.

So it wasn’t that I wanted to heal. It was that I had to heal.

And it was good that I did. It was only when I allowed myself to feel it all, as I unpacked my feelings, set goals, and leveled up my mental and emotional game, that I found some peace.

But as the years slowly trudged by, I realized that healing is also a lot of work. It adds a lot of pressure. And I finally realized that healing isn’t a nonstop marathon—it’s okay to slow down, even stop sometimes. Healing isn’t some constant state we should chase or a destination we have to reach every damn day. Sometimes, it’s perfectly okay (and maybe even necessary) not to fix everything, not to “grow” on demand, and not to pretend we’re bouncing back like superheroes 24/7.

So, these days, instead of always pushing to heal, here are seven ways I have allowed myself to just be—to exist, to breathe, to survive without the pressure of transformation weighing me down:

1. I sit with the discomfort. I feel what’s there without trying to change it. Now that it’s been five years since the big tragedy and the people closest to me have literally gone on with their lives without looking to see how I am doing, I no longer make excuses for them or for me. I am still angry, bitter, and feel hateful toward them sometimes. And I have now permitted myself to be sad, angry, and confused.

2. I no longer feel guilty about taking rest. As someone who was always the “Go, go, go!” type, even pausing for a few minutes used to make me feel guilty. Not anymore. I no longer take the “I’ll rest after I finish this” kind of break, but the “I am resting now because I deserve it” kind.

3. I have finally realized that some situations have no answers. None. Healing and being logical and trying to figure things out don’t always work. Why do people who make promises break them the second they can? Why do folks not understand how their words can hurt you? How is the world moving on as if the biggest tragedy of your life never happened? There are no answers…and it’s okay not to have answers. I no longer Google my feelings. And I’m also beginning to understand that most times, the answers aren’t “out there;” they’re inside us. Now I give myself the grace to get to those answers in my own time.

4. Remember Samantha Jones in “Sex and the City?” The “Coulda woulda shoulda” episode? I have ditched them all. I no longer feel like I “should” do anything. Should I be productive, positive, or perfect right now? No, thank you! Feeling bitter about the world? Yes sir! Feel like cussing from here to Sunday? Don’t mind if I do!

5. I try to remember and celebrate tiny survival wins. Got out of bed? Check. Went for a walk? Check. Showered? Check. Ate something? Check. Ate more protein than carbs for lunch? Double check! And guess what? That is more than enough for today.

6. In a similar vein, I allow myself the space and grace for the “bad” days. As much as I dream of being a superheroine, I am human, with more frailties than most. Bad days happen. And I simply deal with them.

7. Given that the world has very little time or intention to be kind to me, I am now kind to myself. I find it so easy to be nice and kind to others. So, why can’t I be nice and kind to myself? I would never tell my close ones to hustle when they were struggling. So why pressure myself to do the same?

I have finally realized that healing isn’t about rushing or forcing yourself to “fix” everything all the time. Sometimes, it’s about permitting yourself to feel deeply, to rest fully, and to just be. Simply surviving is not failure—it’s strength.

So, if you find yourself overwhelmed by the pressure to heal faster or be “better” every day, remember: it’s okay to pause. It’s okay to feel messy and complicated. And most importantly, it’s okay to honor your own unique pace.

I challenge you to take a moment today to check in with yourself—not to solve anything, but just to be present. Whether it’s sitting quietly with your feelings, celebrating a small win, or simply permitting yourself to rest, start there.

Because sometimes, the greatest act of healing is simply allowing yourself to exist without apology.

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