If you love cooking or even do it as part of your daily routine, you’ll agree that every dish needs the right blend of ingredients. Not perfect (because let’s be honest, perfect doesn’t exist), but balanced enough to taste good.

Every now and then, you might add a bit too much chilli or forget the salt, and that’s okay. But if this starts happening often, you’ll likely pause and reassess how you’re cooking. You may still eat the food, but will you truly enjoy it? Will it leave you feeling satisfied? Probably not.

One small spice can change the entire experience of a dish and that tiny shift can make all the difference.

Relationships are the same. They are like dishes that two or more people end up cooking together and the quality and experience of that dish depends on how it is being made—what’s more, what’s less, what does this dish truly need in order for it to be satisfying and fulfilling. And yes, a small thing like one spice can significantly impact the final outcome.

Most often we undermine and don’t give due importance to the small things that are present or absent in a relationship. Good or bad, all small things in a relationship add up. A lot of the small day-to-day gestures, check-ins, rituals, and tiny moments of smiles and laughter add up and serve as a cushion when things become rocky and turbulent.

“The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

When the feel-good moments are more, the people and overall relationship develop resilience to tide over and sail through. But if the “not so feel good” moments are more, or even if the feel-good moments start to decline, then the relationship begins to dwindle because then everyone starts to search for something to hold onto and when they aren’t able to, it creates distress and disturbance. When you have rocky circumstances and there is no cushion, it spells doom.

Relationships are like buildings and every building is built on a foundation. Whether the building stands the test of time or not depends on how strong the foundation is, and this foundation is made of the big and small chunks both! Without certain seemingly small things, there would be gaps and it would be difficult to hold the big ones in place. Hence, every nut and bolt counts!

So what are these small things that have the capacity to make or break a relationship? Here are some of them:

1. Gestures that make the other smile: Whether it’s leaving a loving note or message, sending them a cute reel, getting them their favourite chocolate or sharing a joke, these small things bring in warmth and joy.

2. Small check-ins: It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture but a simple “Hey, I’m missing you” or “How are you feeling?” is powerful enough to strengthen connection in that moment. Letting someone know that they’re on your mind no matter where they are goes a long way. It tells people that they matter to you and vice versa.

3. Listening without fixing or defending: When someone is sharing their thoughts or experience, most of us are quick to react, defend, disagree, or offer solutions. In doing so, we don’t regard their thought and emotional process because we are too busy protecting ourselves in our own head. Listening with an open heart and mind without trying to dismiss, invalidate, minimise, or defend is the hallmark of all healthy relationships. Once again, it makes the other person feel heard and valued and you will end up feeling the same when you want to be heard.

4. Expressing appreciation: Too often we don’t appreciate what someone does for us especially in long-term relationships. We get stuck in routine, habits, and circumstances and forget that connections need to be nurtured, otherwise they will also get lost in the noise. Words like “Thank You,” “This means a lot,” “I’m so grateful to have you,” “I couldn’t have done it without you,” or “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” can fill your relationships with love, joy, and happiness.

5. Rituals of connection: It’s important to take out time on a regular basis to talk, interact, enjoy an experience together, or simply be. Without these, it’s only distance that gets created, not connection.

6. Being emotionally available: Relationships require us to learn how to be emotionally mature and available so that we can respect and honor our experience while also holding space for the other. It’s about listening to understand and connect, empathise, take ownership, show up with love and compassion, understand the other person’s needs, and try and meet them where they are. The truth is that when the emotional connection is strong, needs are automatically met. There is no begging, pleading, fighting. It’s organic.

7. Honoring impact: Sometimes, even with the best of intentions, we do mess up. We can hurt or annoy someone. To make a relationship healthy, it’s essential to honor the impact our words and actions have on the other person without jumping to fight, argue, or defend our position. The more we do that, the more we push our loved ones away. It’s important to say we messed up, apologise with our heart, and repair what’s been broken.

At the end of the day, relationships are built on communication, presence, availability, and accountability. These build and strengthen connection and help people in meeting each other’s needs, because deep down we only want to be seen, heard, and valued. These small acts make a huge difference in how we feel and how we want someone else to feel with us.

These build emotional safety—something we don’t understand enough, but we need to.

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