“It’s not you; it’s me.”

We usually say this line during breakups and use it as an excuse to mask our real intentions.

But when it comes to relationship conflicts, we think that it’s them—not us. And we rarely mask it. We refuse to think otherwise.

Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, but we often fail in objectively figuring out who’s at fault and who’s not.

It’s taken me years to realize that sometimes it’s me. It’s hard to take responsibility for my actions and reactions when I subconsciously believe that it’s always the other person who’s hurting me.

It’s an all-too-common pattern that exists within every relationship. We point the finger at others because we can’t point it at ourselves. But have you ever asked yourself if it’s really them? What if it’s you? The answer has dramatically improved my relationship.

I know how hard it is to be objective during conflicts—especially when we feel vulnerable and overwhelmed. Understanding what is our fault is near impossible. So blaming our partner feels easier.

But let’s stop playing the blame game for a second and figure out if it’s our behaviors, words, or actions that are adding fuel to the fire.

Here are five unmistakable signs:

1. It’s you if you refuse to take accountability. Many factors can lead to avoiding responsibility, and we often dismiss how detrimental it is to keep quiet. Saying sorry is hard, but if you think it’s out of the question, you might not want to feel exposed, vulnerable, shamed, or judged.

2. It’s you if you have knee-jerk reactions. Common knee-jerk reactions in the middle of a heated argument include avoiding conversations, becoming defensive, or automatically blaming your partner. Your nervous system might instantly shut down if you feel that it’s your fault.

3. It’s you if you fixate on your partner’s deficiencies. Focusing on our partner’s flaws is the mind’s unconscious way of denying our own flaws. When we expose the other’s imperfections, ours automatically vanish. Other signs might also include complaining about their “repetitive” mistakes.

4. It’s you if something feels off. That murky feeling is your gut telling you to come to terms with the truth. And the truth is it’s not always other people’s fault. Sometimes it’s us, and it’s perfectly okay. If we are always running away from that feeling, it will eventually settle within our relationship, causing it to slowly collapse.

5. It’s you if you think you’re always right. No one’s always right…it’s impossible. There are two sides to every story and we should be willing to find the truth that’s lurking somewhere in the middle. Not admitting that we’re flawed can put so much pressure on our partner, which will gradually push them away.

At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong when it comes to conflicts in a relationship as we might have a different perspective than our partner. Our own conditioning, background, and traumas also play a role in how we perceive the world around us.

However, if we are stuck in a pattern where we feel that it’s always our partner’s fault, we must be willing to practice emotional regulation and see things objectively. To begin the process of self-healing, we must practice open communication and create space for honesty and vulnerability.

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