The saying that postpartum lasts 40 days is bullsh*t.

The truth is it may last for years. As shocking as it sounds, it doesn’t end after a few weeks or months.

New moms have to adapt to a whole new reality that may not make sense at first. When my son was born, my heart expanded in new, mysterious ways. I was flooded with love. Something inside me softened and made way for unconditional emotions that I had never experienced before.

However, I was also flooded with shock. The responsibility of managing my newborn’s needs increased my anxiety. Furthermore, I was physically exhausted and mentally drained because I simply couldn’t adjust to motherhood easily.

It took me more than a year to adapt to my new normal. The stories and experiences of other mothers helped me tremendously, but no one talked about the things that could truly lift me up.

I received all sorts of advice. They told me to sleep when the baby sleeps, to rest, to ask for help, to get support…but no one told me what I had wanted to hear. No one said something that hit a nerve.

Looking back at my own postpartum journey, there are many things I would have done differently—things that could have tremendously tamed my anxiety and fear. Now that I see my postpartum journey objectively, I can see why I was stressed and depressed.

Here are three things I want to say to new moms:

1. Stop trying to get your old self back.

After childbirth, I spent too much time trying to get my old life back. I missed the person I used to be. I wanted her back badly, and it took me a long time to realize that I could never go back to who I was. I broke free the moment I understood that that was what motherhood was supposed to be: it was meant to transform me. In fact, I don’t even want my old self back anymore. I embrace who I am now and appreciate every single change that has happened. So if you want to feel like yourself again, don’t grieve who you were; celebrate who you are now instead.

2. Be gentle with yourself.

I was pushed to my limits many times as a new mom. I went through hard times and was overwhelmed more times than I care to remember. The truth was I felt triggered and upset over little things, and I couldn’t fathom the rage that was within me. When I realized that I was burnt out, I understood that my own exhaustion and the sudden changes in my life were the reason behind my irrational anger. Now I know that I should always be gentle with myself. Even if I mess up, I should be able to forgive myself and start over every single minute. I’m not a bad person; I’m just a tired mom.

3. Avoid comparisons.

I compared myself to other new moms, and, well, it sucked. That silly comparison had caused me unnecessary stress and pressure, and I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t measure my own progress and journey with others. I would only focus on me, my family, and my own path. So if you’re a new mom, you do you.

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