“You’ve changed.”

How many times have you said this phrase to someone?

I know I have. And I’ve even heard it many times before.

We often talk about the mutual changes that happen in relationships, such as moving in together, getting married, or becoming new parents…but we rarely talk about the inner changes that impact partners individually.

Personal change is a core challenge that many couples face. It’s not bound by time or space and can in fact happen anywhere, anytime, with anyone.

When we meet someone new, our mind automatically creates an image of that person and saves it for a long time. We register their behavior, actions, words, and how they treat us. We keep a mental record of what they like, what they hate, and what makes them tick.

Throughout the years, our minds are alarmed by any behavior, action, or emotion that doesn’t measure up to the mental images we have created. Whenever we see a tiny change in our partner’s behavior, we feel left behind. We might even feel alone or distressed because we don’t know how to cope with the new version in front of us.

And so we revolt. There’s an image in our minds that our partner should always match. We feel afraid if they take up a new hobby or change their mind on future goals. Their personality might change. Their love for something might diminish and something else might light them up.

No matter the change we see, we don’t always like it. Change scares us in relationships. In translates into uncertainty, insecurity, and discomfort. It has often worried me and has threatened my own relationship many times—until I’ve realized that change is growth in disguise.

We change. People change. And that’s perfectly fine and normal. We are not supposed to stay the same because if we do, we stay in the same places and do the same things. When we change, we evolve. We grow. We learn. If we are committed, partners should be open to seeing new versions of each other every single day. The more we reject each other’s freshness, the harder our relationship gets.

It’s okay for partners to change as long as they’re heading (together) in the same direction. When the core values of our relationship remain the same, any other outer changes are nonthreatening. Change only becomes problematic when the path becomes different. But when the path is the same, everything else works out.

So what to do if our partner becomes someone different? We open up. We lean into them. We get curious about their new likes and dislikes. We understand that who we are is greatly shaped by our life experiences. The ups and downs, the losses, the separations, the failures, the triumphs…all that and more molds us and shapes us every single minute.

Think about how far you’ve personally come and how much you’ve changed over the years. Imagine the pressure you’d feel if your partner expects you to stay the same.

Remember that you’ll be going to bed with the same partner every night, but in the morning when the sun shines and the birds leave their nests, you might find someone new next to you, and you should love them nonetheless.

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