Everyone has struggles.

Even if we deny it, we all seem to have a cross to bear.

The first Noble Truth in Buddhism (dukkha) recognizes this harsh principle: all life is suffering. No matter our age or status, we are all destined to experience misery—physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I’ve had my share of life’s inadequacy, but I’ve always managed to surf the ups and downs and pick myself up at the end of the day. However, I’ve learned that when it comes to pain, the people around us play a huge role.

They either help us to pick ourselves up or they leave us lying flat on the floor. A few people have left me on the floor because they don’t know any better. But I know better now; I know what I need to heal.

The truth is life is harsh…people can be harsher. I have realized that the worst thing we can do when someone is suffering is to change their experience. We rarely accept those we love in their most natural state—which isn’t always perfect.

We shove down their suffering because we don’t know what to do with it. Joy is easy. Positivity is easy. But grief, pain, tears, sadness, anger, and chaos are tough. When we see them, they scare us. They threaten our present moment and make us feel helpless. We can’t resist the urge to do something about their pain because we think it shouldn’t be there.

We don’t know how to handle other people’s suffering because no one has taught us how to handle our own gently. When we hurt, we look for ways to numb the pain and change our unpleasant experience. Sadly, we expect others to do the same. We accept their cheerfulness—not their sorrow. We anticipate their wins—not their defeat.

When we do that, we push people away. They might revolt and dive deeper into despair just to validate their experience and how they feel about it. We might think it’s pessimistic, but in reality it’s their way of proving to us that their pain is real.

When we suffer, we want to be seen. We want someone else to acknowledge our ugly feelings and support us no matter what. So please, stop trying to change other people’s suffering. You don’t need to push too hard to reduce it. You don’t need to make it softer or better.

The only thing we can do to truly be helpful is to simply be there.

Ask what you can do.

Listen.

Give them space to talk.

Accept their situation.

Offer hands-holding or warm hugs.

Keep checking in.

When we’re going through a tough time, the last thing we need is something “different.” We don’t need “redirection.” We need acceptance. Validation. Love. We want to stay right where we are and feel that it’s okay to do so.

We know it will pass, but maybe we just need someone to hold our hand and walk with us so we can find our way home.

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