I know, I know.

When we’re in the middle of an ugly conflict, we barely remember our own name.

But arguments happen all the time, so it’s helpful to keep a few things in mind when they get too heated.

Although I don’t like arguing with others, sometimes I find myself in a battle of egos that goes on and on and on. I’ve realized that ending an argument is often hard, but reducing it is easy—and possible.

When we lower the intensity of an argument, we may start figuring out the root cause of the problem and hopefully prevent similar arguments in the future.

Remember those three things the next time you feel stuck in a heated argument:

1. Each person is different. During an argument, we badly want the other person to understand our perspective, anger, and triggers without minding theirs. Arguments get heated when we force others to see the problem through our own lens, and vice versa. A helpful thing to remember is that we’re all different and the problem we’re arguing about has two different angles. This simple understanding and awareness of the other person’s mental and emotional constitution can help us to become more empathetic.

2. Being right is not the goal. The need to be right is often prominent during fights. We tend to protect our values and opinions because they are an expression of who we are. However, during arguments, we may defend them too hard and lose track of the real problem. Proving ourselves right may become the new goal, but it doesn’t solve the underlying issue. The only way to solve our problems is to find the root cause and identify the possible solutions.

3. We may not influence the actions or behavior of others. As long as the other person’s words and actions are not abusive, it’s normal and okay to not see any major changes in them. We usually make arguments worse when we expect the other to dramatically change their behavior, character, or personality. That’s also not the goal. The goal, again, is to focus on the direction of the argument—not the details.

Arguments suck, but when we focus on the outcome, we can dramatically reduce their severity. So let’s get out of this vicious cycle and start:

>> listening 

>> communicating 

>> respecting 

>> understanding

>> supporting

>> breathing

>> and solving.

~