I write a lot about relationships.

And more specifically, the relationship tools and lessons I’ve gathered over years of trial and error and wins and losses.

I’m a big believer that we learn the most about ourselves through relationship, both with ourselves and with others. And if we’re open to it, we can learn from other people’s relationships as well—even celebrity relationships.

Because, after all, they’re just like us. Right?

The interwebs were abuzz this week when Selena Gomez and her songwriter/producer fiancé Benny Blanco sat down with author Jay Shetty on his podcast to discuss their relationship and their new joint album.

The conversation was full of relationship green flags, especially from Blanco, who spoke so highly of his partner while also getting real about what it takes to make their partnership work. Listening to him speak was like watching emotional intelligence in action.

You could see him becoming the internet’s new favorite boyfriend in real time.

Here are three pieces of relationship advice from Blanco that we should all consider adding to our relationship tool box:

 

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1. For the love of love, please listen. 

“I think people’s biggest problem, especially men, are that we don’t listen all the time. You gotta listen. Just shut up and listen, listen to what they’re saying. A woman is going to tell you exactly what she needs. Like when guys are like, ‘I don’t know what she wants. I don’t know…’ she told you already, you’re just an idiot. You’re not listening…just listen. If a girl is getting frustrated with you on something, she’s definitely told you multiple times and you’re just not paying attention.”

 

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2. Compassion can’t exist without boundaries. 

“When I wake up, I think to myself, like, how can I make Selena’s day better? Like, what can I do in my day to make her day better? Because that makes my day better. And I wanted to find a person like that. I know that when Selena wakes up, the first thing she’s thinking is like, how can I make his day better? And we have such a give and take, like I could never even see a world where I would yell at her, she would ever yell at me. Like, we don’t argue like that. I feel like we just have conversations, like there’s never an argument.

Sometimes she’ll say, this is so funny…she’ll go, ‘I’m feeling a little irritated, and I think I need like 25 minutes.’ And I’ll say okay. Then I give her her space, and then after like five minutes she texts me, she’s like ‘Hey, will you come back? I miss you.’ But it’s knowing that and we have the proper boundaries set with each other. Like, I don’t have to be on top of her every second. She didn’t have to be on top of me every second together. I just want to know she’s in the house and I can say like, ‘Hey, I love you and then go back to what I’m doing. You know what I mean? Because we’re both highly independent people, okay? But we’re both little mushes who just need to be attached at the hip.”

 

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3. We need to guide the missile, not add fuel to the fire.

“She gets spicy sometimes and when I see something happening it’s about guiding the missile, not adding a jet pack on top of it with like a machine gun artillery. Like, if I see her getting to a place where I’m like, man, in five minutes from now this room could explode, I’m never gonna let it get to that five minutes from now. I’m gonna say, what are all the tools that I know that work for her that I’ve learned. I’m not going to exacerbate a situation. I’m gonna try to calm it down cause why do I wanna be in that position where we’re both just upset about something?

And I don’t want to just calm it down and tell her what she wants to hear. I’m not saying that. I’m not saying to tell your partner ‘You’re right, you’re totally right.’ I think you listen and say, ‘Okay let’s not let it get there. Let’s like talk about this.’ And I do think physical touch is a very big way like if you’re in conversation with your partner, sometimes just a hand helps, holding their hand while you’re telling them or giving them a hug while you’re telling them. If someone’s upset, let them talk it out and then after they talk it out, be like ‘Okay, well here’s what I think.’ And you can work through these things together in such an easy way, very constructive.

It’s not always easy, and sometimes we just want to be frustrated. It’s like sometimes she’ll just be like ‘I know it’s gonna be okay but I just wanna be frustrated in this moment’ and I’ll have to redirect cause I’ll be like, ‘You know what? You have every right to be in this moment. And she’ll say ‘This is why I want to be frustrated in this moment.” She said it the other day about something I can’t remember and I was like, ‘Oh my god, that makes so much sense…I don’t agree with the frustration and we’ll get there afterwards but I get it. I get it.”

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Watch the full interview below:

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